Quad Blogs

Okay – my entertainment rant for the week: the “New Moon” trailer.

I did not watch the MTV Movie Awards. Partly because I was attending a burn-your-school-stuff bonfire, partly because MTV proved itself quite capable of ruining music, and I have no intention to see it do the same to movies. From what I’ve heard/read, “Twilight” dominated the awards show – and sadly, I am not surprised.

"Kristin, can we pleasssssseeee take over Antartica next?" "Robby, I told you, I can't stand the cold!"

Yesterday on our website, entertainment writer Dustin Schoof (in a justified reluctant mood) posted a blog revealing the online release of the “New Moon” trailer, which, by this time has been uploaded just about any- and everywhere. Obviously, this does not exclude my own blog.

Now, let me point out the one semi-positive thing I noticed about this trailer before I go full-launch into snarky comments.

The lighting in this trailer is much warmer than the original “Twilight” film’s. Could this be because this movie is more focused on Jacob (the newly-revealed ‘werewolf’ whose body temperature rivals that of a lit stove) rather than cold, sickly pale, statuesque vampire Edward? I think so. Kudos to color symbolism! However, I do find it odd that the trailer is so…bright – when the setting is still in Forks, Washington – the dismal, dreary, ALWAYS RAINING town providing the main setting for the series.

Anyway – onto the demolition.
PS – spoilers ahead, but if you’ve seen the trailer, you know the entire movie already.

Yes, I have read all four (and a half) books, and have a love/hate relationship with the series (most of the hate is directed towards Stephanie Meyer‘s ability to turn poor writing into mesmerizing, must-know-what-happens fantasy). So believe me when I say – this trailer gives away about 98% of the book! (Hence the title of this blog) Honestly, if anyone is too lazy to read the book or sit through the film, all they need is to watch the trailer. Oh, and have someone tell them that Edward comes back.

Start the trailer:

Fade in with instrumental-mystic-emo music.
Edward and Bella at her truck, being all passively-romantic. Next shot shows them at the Cullen household where Alice has put together a birthday party for Bella. All the Cullens are happy, and Bella looks disgruntled and constipated (oh wait – that’s just Kristin Stewart’s inability to act).

"Don't be fooled by my wavy locks and sensitive eyes, I may eat you"

At the party, Bella, being the clumsy ditz as is emphasized in the whole series, slices her finger. Jasper, the newest to their weirdly-metaphored “vegetarian lifestyle” becomes overwhelmed with blood-lust, and in a very non-climactic lunge, nearly devours Bella. Om nom nom.

Next shot: Bella and Edward are in the woods – their creepy, nostalgic, woods that have a surprising lack of underbrush and hikers. They break up. Edward is too overwhelmed by his 100 years of experience in relationships with humans [Wait - what? Exactly.] to let his vampiric family continue to be a danger to her. He then leaves her in the woods, coincedentally is where their (in film) relationship began! OH THE CIRCULAR STRUCTURE OF IT ALL!

Another side note: After a strained-face Edward kisses the top of Bella’s head and leaves her – she is left alone in the woods. Idiot! Leaving a woman because you don’t want her to get hurt, then stranding her in the middle of a forest? Pure genius.

After some time in the fetal position, Bella runs into the Jamaican vampire with a French name who we briefly encountered in the first film. Guess what? He’s a bad guy!
As Bella stands silent and lets this creep caress her hair and face, Jacob (Taylor Lautner) stands (shirtless – start swooning now, tweens) and oh-so-darkly and mysteriously, starts making his way to Bella’s rescue.

Right as Laurent is prepared to kill Bella, she somehow runs away from the superspeedy, overly-lethal vampire, and cries out “No!” to Jacob. Jacob, still involved in his angsty, teenage years, ignores her and poofs – that’s right, poofs – into a…thing?…meant to be a realistic, wolf-like figure.

"KABLAM!" "WHALLOP" "Take that, Edward Cullen!"

I say “meant to be” because, while the transformation graphic is pretty cool – the actual wolf looks too CGI-oriented to fit in with the rest of the film. Might as well add a couple of action bubbles, like from the old Batman stuff. POOF! and DASH! would be particularly effective, methinks.

Oh – by the way. That’s the end of the trailer. Which is not particularly a bad thing.
The main elements of the book are that: A) Edward leaves, B) Bella becomes (nearly) suicidal, C)Bella and Jacob interaction increases, and D) Jacob = werewolf. So congratulations, trailer viewers – you’re completely filled in! Oh, except for the whole introduction to the vampire government, the Volturi – which merely provides more material and foundation for the next two books.

But if you really want to know about the entire plot, stop reading this blog and pick up the book – don’t rely on the film. If the “Twilight” film was any indication, “New Moon” will provide only the parts of the book that are plot-essential or have possibilities for cool cinematography options, to be performed poorly at best.

Well, that’s all on my take – what about yours? Something to think about til my next post: Express-Times cockroach chaos.

peace&love,
Tara