The past couple weeks here at the Express-Times have been pretty typical. At this point I know (what I need) of most of the inner workings of databases and systems, and now it’s a matter of getting better at them and improving my own journalism skills. Which would probably be on par with getting 56 stars tattooed on your face for “activities to put self to sleep.” Oh wait, you’re not Kimberley Vlaminck? Sorry…think instead about watching paint dry. Or rather - just do so.
*waits, semi-patiently*
Anyway, now that that’s over – there’s this nifty little thing I’ve briefly mentioned in a past post: Google Trends.
Basically, every hour or so, that page refreshes, with the top 100 searched terms or phrases. For instance, notable ones as of now include: 75 – the bangles
32 – obama vs fly
18 – obscenity on yearbook cover
9 – iPhone release time
Anyway, it’s really helpful in seeing what’s going on – or rather, what’s occupying people – in the news. I’ve now developed a terrible addiction to this, and putting together lists like the ones above on trends that are both serious and just hilarious.
For instance, on May 28th, around 3:30 p.m., I jotted down this little bit: 52 – red bull recall
48 – learn to fly penguin
27 – robe and wizard hat
And you know what’s really fun? Figuring out a way that they’re all connected. I highly recommend this activity for long car trips, moments of down time at work and when waiting for Jenn to update her blog.
I did so with these trends, but since I work at a newspaper, I felt quite obliged to write the “story” down, which I did later that evening.
And so, without further ado,
“Red Bull stretches their ‘Wings’”
Red Bull's mascot, Barry, refused comment on the carbonated clanger.
Red Bull has placed a recall because it has actually started giving people “w-i-i-i-ngs.” Marketing consultant Roger Dash explains:
“Red Bull released a new product this week with the same cans and packaging as regular Red Bull in an under-the-cover campaign to distinguish “real” Red Bull enthusiasts – who would notice the change and enhancement in taste - from the millions of posers who occupy college campuses. As it turns out, secret ingredient-additive #DT26H contains somewhat magical qualities.
“Previous to the new product’s release – which we are now calling Red Bull-OX – that whole ‘gives you wings’ bit was just a catchphrase we got stuck with when our Advertising head Josh McDevin was the only one to pitch an idea – at three in the morning after a considerable amount of liquor. Now, it seems to be the perfect phrase.”
Though the product does not actually alter DNA (thanks to research from Washington Theoretical Follies Inc – WTF Inc. for short) or cause consumers to actually sprout wings, those who drink the product have experienced floating in midair, drifting from anywhere between six inches to roughly two feet off the ground.
Susan Farsino of the Cagey Creatures Zoo in New Jersey was the first to discover this effect, in a similarly odd situation. Convinced she had taught her penguins how to fly, she spoke to a police reporter investigating her claim.
“I was training my penguins for their upcoming show for the zoo,” she says. “My littlest, Squirtgun, leaped out of the water as usual for his triple-turn skim, but never landed back in the pool. He continued on as if he was swimming in the water, but he was in the air! I thought I was having an acid flash…”
Ms. Farsino was abruptly investigated and arrested for the possession of multiple hard drugs.
Previously filed interviews with Ms. Farsino show her tendencies to provide her penguins with Red Bull before practice times in order to provoke energy and enthusiasm. Readers should note this is not encouraged.
Only six hours later, a call from the Purely Potter supplies store in Bridgetown, Pa. reported an astounding number of cases of people between the ages of 14 and 28 appearing to glide, float, and even fly into their store asking to be measured for robes, wizarding gloves, and hats. The store is the most renowned locale for merchandise based off the Harry Potter books by J.K. Rowling, and, though welcoming the increase in business, found the state of their customers somewhat disturbing.
“I wasn’t sure what to think of it,” said shift manager Tracy Yould. “I knew there were some die-hard ‘Harry Potter’ fans out there, but I’d never seen anything like this before.”
After a brief blood transfusion, these three HP fans are back on their broomsticks.
Current investigations are looking into the chemical engineering of additive #DT26H, and all Red Bull products purchased within the past seven days have been recalled. It has not been determined if there are any long-term side effects of the new product, but consumers are warned not to take the chance.
Anyone with information regarding cases and/or side-effects of drinking Red Bull-OX should contact the Washington Theoretical Follies Inc.at wtf@nosir.org or 1-800-285-7648 (1-800-BUL-SMIT).
[/endfakenews]
***Please note this FAKE article does not express the opinions of the Express-Times, West Chester University’s the Quad, or anyone at all, for that matter. All content was written purely for parodic purposes, and on the hopes for a few laughs.***
That’s all I have today, folks. I’ll update again soon, with anything interesting that’s going on around here. [Sneak peek: local Comic Book writers possibly collaborating with Don Murphy for a theatrical film]
Somewhere, James Bond has just been killed at the hands of some megalomaniacal wacko with an interesting personality quirk.
Harry Potter just lost a magic wand duel to Lord Voldemort, forever ruining the reading habits of children— and many adults— everywhere.
In some far away land, the evil stepmother just married Prince Charming, leaving Cinderella with a double parked pumpkin and team of very angry mice.
Evil has finally triumphed over good.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Pittsburgh Penguins have won the Stanley Cup.
The Joaquin Phoenix sigh to end all Joaquin Phoenix sighs
Perhaps I’m being melodramatic. Perhaps I’m being even MORE melodramatic then usual, if that’s possible.
I say NAY to that! I am merely being adequately dramatic in my assessment of this past NHL season.
And what a season it was!
Not really. Actually, this was one of the more uneventful seasons in recent memory. At least as far as my beloved Philadelphia Flyers go, that is.
Let’s travel back to where this mess of a season began… all the way back to October.
Oh what a bleak month that was! Things couldn’t have looked worse for the orange and black attack.
Six straight losses to open the season! SIX! All of the promise and optimism from the previous year’s trip to the Eastern Conference finals dashed in a scant six games. No easy feat, I assure you.
The Flyers early season woes continue.
So in six games the team goes from being among the elite teams in the East to an also ran.
Who would have thought that R.J. Umberger meant so much?
0-3-3 to start the year and the archrival New Jersey Devils coming to town. The very same Devils that the Flyers have had a ridiculous amount of trouble beating since some guy named Martin Brodeur hit the scene. I know, I’ve never heard of him either, but apparently he’s kind of a big deal.
In any case, the Flyers seemed well on their way to a few more losses.
There was so much wrong with the team at the time. For starters, the defense was an absolute catastrophe.
Prior to the start of the season, Ryan Parent and Randy Jones both went down with injuries. This was problematic considering the Flyers were already thin at the position before losing these two.
Suddenly, 18-year-old Luca Sbisa— who wasn’t even supposed to make the TEAM out of training camp— was playing fairly big minutes for a team that finished among the top four NHL teams the previous season. Yikes.
Sbisa held his own, but the same can’t be said about the rest of the defense, or the forwards or goalies for that matter. No one seemed all that interested. To them, it was a forgone conclusion that they would be back in the playoffs.
Basically, the Flyers treated the start of the 08-09 Season like a game of “Halo.” They thought that if they reached a checkpoint i.e. the Eastern Conference Finals, the game would save their progress, and then they would start there the next time they sit down to play.
"Wow, even I can't help you guys."
Well, unfortunately life, while it may be like a box of chocolates, is nothing like a game of “Halo.”
For their part, the forwards were at least scoring goals. They weren’t getting back and helping out the defense at all, but they were indeed scoring. Seemed that a little of the George Karl, offense-first, defense-never system had taken a hold on them.
Anyway, back to the Devils.
The Flyers promptly fell behind 3-2 after the first period. Things looked familiar. Goals were being scored left and right while the Flyers defensemen were having swordfights with their hockey sticks.
Also, I think Braydon Coburn was galloping around the ice on his like it was a horse.
Then something strange happened. The defense woke up. The forwards got back to help out.
AND they kept scoring. WTF? Where was this effort the first six games guys?
The orange and black won the game 6-3, no easy feat considering the SECOND best goalie in recent memory— Martin Brodeur— was in net.
And then they won the next game. And the next. Oh man! The Flyers are back! They’re back and better then…oh wait they started losing again. Great.
But the followed those losses with a few more wins. And then some losses. Then even more wins. Soon they were creeping up the standings as the wins began to overwhelm the losses.
Suddenly they were a team possessed. They couldn’t lose, at least not in regulation. They looked better then they had in a long time, and it seemed like maybe they were finally going to start delivering on some of the previous year’s promise.
The season hit its peak on Dec. 11 against the Carolina Hurricanes.
The Flyers were locked in a playoff-like stretch with the Canes, playing the team four times in a three week span.
This particular game had not started out going the Flyers way at all to say the very least.
Thanks to some sloppy and undisciplined play, the Flyers trailed going into the third period by a score of 5-1. It was very ugly.
The Canes were dictating the play, and the Flyers were more then happy to allow them to do so.
Then the third period happened.
Mr. Undisciplined himself, Scott Hartnell scored a shorthanded goal less then two minutes in. He scored again five minutes later to give himself a hat trick.
Then the rest of the team decided to chip in. Eight minutes after Hartnell scored, Scottie Upshall scored to make it a one goal game.
The Canes fell into a trap the Flyers have fallen into so many times that they actually now have a summer home there.
The Canes attempted to sit back on a big lead and quit skating. This is always a bad thing. Especially in the “new” NHL, where no lead is ever safe.
Three minutes after Upshall made it a one goal game, Simon Gagne tied it in dramatic fashion. If the Canes were stunned, then their goalie, a former Flyer by the name of Michael Leighton, was absolutely mortified.
Every time the puck came near him, it was an adventure. It was like watching Bambi learning to walk, but with huge guys shooting a hunk of frozen rubber at him over and over again while he learned.
The teams played an uneventful overtime and then the shootout came around.
I hate shootouts, I feel that it cheapens the spirit of a team sport to end it in an individual competition, but that is a story for another time and place.
This game NEEDED a winner. To call this one a draw would be blasphemy. I must admit that this game made me a temporary fan of the shootout. For the briefest of seconds, I finally understood what Gary Bettman was talking about.
Then I stopped smoking crack and realized there are other ways to end games without ties.
Bozo's stepbrother Gary-o.
Simon Gagne and Mike Richards scored in the shootout and the Flyers won the game. Leighton seemed to be diving OUT of the way of the puck, as much as he was trying to stop it.
"I think, I can, I think I can... where'd the puck go?"
From that point on, the Flyers season seemed to lose its luster. The fire that had taken a hold of the team, started to burn out.
Sure there were more wins, and a few more losses, but they never regained that magic.
Danny Briere, who missed most of the season with various groin injuries and who suffered numerous set backs finally came back for good on March 1.
The team had to waive fourth line center Glenn Metropolite and seventh defensemen Ossi Vaananen to fir Briere’s salary under the cap.
Initially, loosing Vaananen wasn’t a huge deal, since he spent most of the season after Jones and Parent returned as a healthy scratch. Metropolite was a different story. He was a solid penalty killer who could win face-offs. Losing him hurt.
Later on, the Flyers would trade Upshall to Phoenix for fighter Dan Carcillo in order to help alleviate a massive salary cap problem. Anyway, the most penalized team in the league should have its most penalized player after all. It’s just good business.
The Vaananen move came back to bite the team in the butt when they were forced to dress two amateur defensemen while Kimmo Timonen was out with the flu.
The Flyers played some of their least inspired hockey at a time when the games meant the most. They planned .500 hockey to end the season. They lost a chance to win the division and then lost home ice advantage for the first round series. They lost the opportunity to play an inferior, yet streaky Canes team in the first round.
Instead, they got the Penguins, who were fresh as daisies after the nearly four month long cat nap they took to start the season, a cat nap that cost Michel Therrien his job.
Sidney Crosby circa February 2009.
All season long, the Flyers told us the playoffs were all that mattered. Once they got there, things would be fine.
It was as if they truly believed they were a good enough team that they could just flip a switch and start winning games consistently again.
Turns out they weren’t.
The Penguins embarrassed the Flyers in game one, winning it 4-1, though the game was never that close. The Flyers ended the game by taking some cheap shots on the Pens, in a sort of sad effort to send a message.
Maybe a better way to do that would have been to play hard for 60 minutes?
Ho ho. I made myself laugh there.
Remember, the Flyers have a summer home on Inconsistency Island after all.
From there bad luck took over the series. Bad luck and a sprinkling of bad officiating that is.
The Flyers hung on to a slim lead in game two, and would have won it if Jeff Carter knew how to elevate the puck. Instead he shoots it off Marc-Andre Fleury’s pad, a puck hits Evgeni Malkin’s leg and goes in. Then the officials put the Pens up 5-3 in OT leading to a slam dunk goal by Bill Guerin.
Yay.
The Flyers kept on fighting though, took game three, Fleury took game four all by himself, the Flyers took games five and six and a half. The last half of the game was all Pens and thusly the Flyers went home, ending their roller coaster season much sooner then they would have liked.
The 2008-2009 Philadelphia Flyers are like a walking moral to a story. Pee-Wee hockey league coaches everywhere will be using them as examples on what NOT to do. Don’t sit back on a lead, don’t stop skating, don’t take stupid penalties. The list goes on and on.
The upside is that they’re still a young team. Last season HAS to be a lesson learned. If they come out next season and nothing is changed, then there will be problems. If the players’ attitudes don’t change, then the players will. And the front office won’t be exempt from change either.
Most Valuable Player: Mike Richards.
Runners Up: Jeff Carter, Martin Biron, Kimmo Timonen
Analysis: The young captain was a machine. He killed penalties, he was among the team leaders in every offensive category as well as minutes player. And he did it all with two badly injured shoulders. Next to Chase Utley, Mike Richards is the player who best represents the city of Philadelphia.
Jeff Carter carried the team offensively for long stretches of the season. His line (Carter, Joffrey Lupul and Scott Hartnell) were among the best lines in the NHL, but he never truly was a consistent performer, despite his spectacular numbers. If Carter continues to improve at this pace, he will be an elite player in the league VERY soon.
Martin Biron gets a bad rap in this town, like most goalies not named Parent have. Biron was inconsistent, but he won games when they mattered. Few goalies in the NHL could withstand the avalanche of shots the Biron faced on a game to game basis. Biron is a Stanley Cup caliber goalie, he just needs a defense in front of him.
Kimmo Timonen is one of the most underrated players in the league. He is one of the top five defense man in the league, but rarely gets the credit that he deserves.
Least Valuable Player: Danny Briere
I still love you Danny...
Runners Up: Scott Hartnell
Analysis: It was a tough year for Danny. He spent most of he season on the injured reserve and wasn’t ever really able to contribute consistently come playoff time. Despite missing so much time, he was still able to average nearly a point a game. Don’t give up on Danny yet, hopefully last season was a one time deal.
Despite setting career highs in nearly ever offensive category, Hartnell took WAY too many stupid penalties. He was among the league leaders in minor penalties, something that needs to be fixed. His undisciplined play is the only thing keeping him from being one of the league’s top players. If he doesn’t fix it, he will remain a punch line.
Most Promising Player: Claude Giroux
Analysis: Easy. This guy— if he lives up to the magic he displayed last season— is going to be SCARY good. He was one of only a handful of players who did anything come playoff time.
Best Move: Calling up Claude Giroux
Analysis: See above.
Worst Move: Trading for Dan Carcillo
Analysis: Not because he cost the Flyers Upshall. The team needed to clear cap space and Upshall was gone after this season any way. Plus, like most of his teammates, Scotties lacked consistency and discipline. The problem was we already had two other guys just like Carcillo in Riley Cote and Arron Asham. And countless more working their way up from the Phantoms. If you have to move Upshall, get something we don’t have for him at least.
Best Game: Dec. 11 vs. Carolina. 6-5 win. The come back to end all comebacks.
Worst Game: April 12 vs. New York Rangers. 4-3 loss. Cost the Flyers fourth place and home ice advantage come playoff time. The team carried the late season lethargy into the playoffs and never recovered.
Most Memorable Moment: Claude Giroux’s remarkable short handed assist on Simon Gagne’s goal in game five against the Penguins.
Runners up: Gagne’s game tying goal against the Hurricanes on Dec. 11. Tied the game at five after the Flyers trailed 5-1 going into the third.
Season Grade: C-. This year’s theme: potential unfulfilled. Here’s hoping the young guys keep developing at the pace they are on. And as per the usual, there’s always next year!
Look who’s back, back again. Shady’s back. Tell a friend.
Well, well, well.
Fancy meeting you here. Much has transpired in our world since we last spoke. Some of it good, some of it bad and some of it just plain…ugly.
We’ll start with the good. Why spoil this welcome back party with negativity right off the bat? Just going to save that fun stuff for later.
Recently, I discovered the mystery stylings of Dennis Lehane. Halfway through his first book, I knew that I was hooked. Yes sir, just call me a hungry fish staring at a worm on a string.
As good as this movie was, the book was actually better. It's amazing. Read Dennis Lehane.
How could I resist?
Hold the phone. What in the world am I going on about? I haven’t a clue.
Oh yeah, Dennis Lehane, the man behind “Mystic River,” “Shutter Island” and “Gone Baby Gone.” Do yourselves a favor and read this guy. Start with his first novel, entitled “A Drink Before the War” and believe me you won’t regret it.
Just make sure you look for him in the “mystery” section. I did not and then spent the next several weeks cursing the Barnes and Noble fiction section gods for not having a single one of his works in stock.
Whoops.
I take back most of what I said about Barnes, Noble on the other hand isn’t getting off so easy.
You know what you did, Noble. Don’t even act like it didn’t happen.
Ah, please forgive that nasty tangent. There’s just so much to talk about, and precious little time in which to do it.
Den of inequities.
How about that “Terminator: Salvation?” Killer robots, Christian Bale, Sam Worthington, killer robots. Mainstream critics and spoiled fanboys be darned I say! That movie was everything it was meant to be. Get off your collective high horses, shut off the brain for a spell and just enjoy the ride.
I mean, its killer robots we’re talking about here people. KILLER ROBOTS.
No more trendy "T-4" bashing!
What else falls into the positive column? Let’s see. “Night at the Museum 2″ was solid. I’m a sucker for kid’s movies though, what can I say? Intellectually, I’m still hovering around 4th grade I think. Maybe less.
Speaking of which, “Up” was pretty enjoyable as well. No “Wall-E” though. No sir. That was a masterpiece.
“Up” was just an average Pixar movie. Of course, an average Pixar movie is still a lock for a Best Animated Film Oscar and considerably better then all other studio’s animated offerings. And some live action ones as well.
Maybe I got my hopes too far up for… whoops. Apologies for that. In any case, I think I expected to be blown away, but I was merely thoroughly entertained.
Listen to me complaining about being entertained! I sound like one of those whiney, “Terminator”-hating fanboys! Forgiveness please.
Go see “Up.” Bring the kids. Bring the dog. Bring the cat. Buy a rabbit and bring that. It’s a movie for everyone.
Uh-oh. Looks like its time for some bad.
Back to “Terminator: Salvation” for a second. Despite it being a solid action film, it didn’t exactly light the world on fire. Pitty. Hopefully we got some more sequels. Maybe different writers, but I want more of Anton Yelchin as Kyle Reese!
How about we talk about “Jon and Kate Plus 8?” The rest of the world is, so I might as well chime in.
I feel like I’m going to be telling my grandkids about the days when that show used to be sort of fun. I say sort of, because half of the fun of the show was marveling at what a massive biotch Kate was.
Looking back on those days now, it seems like so much gallows humor. I mean, can anyone really blame the guy for looking to bolt? No matter how much he loves those kids, she’s a friggin’ monster!
Here’s hoping they make it for the kids, because at the end of the day, they should be the only things that matter. But seriously Kate, I know you’re reading this: ease up and all of your problems will be solved!
I feel dirty. I just spent 144 words talking about “J&K+8.” That’s what we call it on the streets by the way.
Hold on, I need to go take a Purell shower.
I’m back.
How about a little ugly? Only these days we spell ugly N-H-L.
First off I’d like to congratulate the Pittsburgh Penguins on winning the Stanley Cup.
I would also like to welcome Ray Emery to the Philadelphia Flyers.
Oh, wait. Neither of those things is 100% official yet. HA!
Yeah right. If you believe that, I’ve got a sandbox in Florida I can sell you.
There is no way in hell the Pens lose this series. I hope they do. Oh God do I hope they do, but alas— it’s in the bag.
Yup the two-headed monster that quit on its coach and slept through the first three months plus of the season is about to win it all.
There just isn’t any justice in the world is there? Damn you Gary Bettman!
And as further proof of that, Ray Emery is still employed. And now he’s a Flyer. Apparently Homer wasn’t content with just trading all of our skilled forwards for fighters, so now he needs a goalie who can fight too.
Basically, the Flyers should just get ready to spend all of next season short handed. Hope Mike Richards rested those surgically repaired shoulders plenty this off season, because he’s going to be averaging 45 minutes of ice time next year.
Now, I could sit here and bash Emery all day, and believe me I’d like to.
I LOVE Marty Biron. He was the perfect goalie for the Flyers in theory. They didn’t play defense and he was good enough to make up for that on most nights. As for the nights he couldn’t? Well Marty never let those bother him. Emery on the other hand?
Yeah, it’s going to bother him. He’s a good goalie, maybe better then Marty—certainly cheaper— but the Flyers better upgrade their defense in front of Ray or he’s going to kill someone before the season is over.
On the flip side of that argument is a GREAT point made by Sam Carchidi of the Philadelphia Inquirer. I won’t pass this off as my own, because it is WAY too smart.
Carchidi’s point— and I’m paraphrasing here— was that the Flyers NEED a guy like Emery. Someone who will light a fire under their lackadaisical butts every now and again.
Emery WILL do that. For better or worse. The Flyers won’t be allowed to sleepwalk this year. Emery won’t let them.
Well... maybe he isn't all bad...
Hell, maybe the Emery thing isn’t so crazy after all. Remember Ron Hextall? He was a bit of a loose cannon too and he worked out ok.
Either way, I hate seeing Marty go, I really do. He’s a great guy and a solid net minder. Maybe not quite worth the reported $5 + million he’s looking for each year, but solid none the less.
Marty Biron during better times. Vaya con dios Marty.
The bottom line is that it doesn’t matter who’s in net for the Flyers: Biron, Emery, Brodeur, McGlinchey-hey, a guy can dream right?— they need better defense. Not only from the defensemen, but from their forwards as well. How about a center who can win face-offs? Crazy right? I know.
Alright. You’ve listened to me rant and rave enough. Feels good to be back though. I must say, I missed this. I promise I won’t stay away so long next time. Pinky swear. After all, “Public Enemies” is getting close. Johnny Depp as John Dillinger. Oh yes, there will be blogs.
Hey all – I promise to explain that statement soon, but notable tidbit – I’m halfway done with my internship?! Whoa. Crazy, man. Also – it’s June! When did that happen!?
In today’s behind-the-scenes Express snippets, I summarize the entire fifth week of my internship. However, for an even more condensed summary, how about….. cockroachdictionarymurderbandstwittertraderjoetrendstaseringgrandma.
"Alright people, I expect that Iron Pigs bit to be in by 1:32 SHARP!"
Catticorner to my right, her left, was a cockroach the length of a Post-It note pad, crawling into the abandoned Sports department as if it was about to start running rails.
I looked at it, amused, and started finding something to scoop it up onto. You know, to take it outside and set it free onto the lovely…downtown….Easton…cement.
Once it was out in the open that this poor creature was on it’s way to a misinformed career, those in the area took up very varied reactions. One editor immediately shut himself in his office – door closed. Many gathered around to look at the little bugger. However, one of the more valiant actions was taken up by Bevin, our morning online editor.
Our webby heroine picked up the largest book she could grasp (a dictionary), walked over to the Sports department door frame, and promptly dropped the wordy tome onto the inquisitive insect.
While I’ve no certain love of cockroaches, I’m well aware of the fact that they’re virtually indestructible.
Indestructible that is…against anything except Webster, apparently. Poor little critter had no chance. Or put up no fight.
Now – what does this say about our dear Bevin? She has killed the un-killable, slain the un-slayable, conquered the un-conquerable, mastered the un-master-able!…
Had enough yet? Me too.
All I’m saying is, I now know Bevin is not a force to be reckoned with. And all of my blog posts will be sure to be over 250 words, riddled with links and key words. Disclaimer: Above opinion was purely for humor purposes – Bevin is quite a lovely lady, and has always been very helpful when I’ve been particularly clueless.
Anyway, though it may seem unnecessary – I want to drive into every reader’s mind exactly what an event this was for the Express newsroom.
When our managing editor got here, he dumped the roach out of the trash that Dustin had decided would be critter’s temporary resting place, and bent down to examine it.
I wish we had gotten a good image of this thing – it was nearly the size of my palm.
Alyssa started making some calls then – turns out the whole basement is infested, but an exterminator sprays, the roaches will fly all about the building. So therefore, I’m keeping an eye out for more of the buggers so I can hopefully get them outside before Bevin catches glimpse.
IN OTHER NEWS…:
The Top Ten:
Braxton Parker was another Philly-based group in the Top 20. However, BP didn't win enough votes to advance
Road trips: Today I led a chat on road trips. Though the intent was supposed to be about getting advice and seeing what’s going on this summer across the eastern side of the US, it wound up focusing more on LV-based interests, which was certainly neat. Also, check out this week’s [EXPOSED] for a story I wrote on different possibilities for trips based from four directions outwards of the LV.
At least, I hope it will be in. After massive crunching, the story was still at 37 inches (preferred length for a center story being 25-30). Oops.
Small success: Musikfest’s Twitter account linked to my blog on the Top Ten being announced! Sweet.
I’m also forming small friendships with the bands I’ve been talking to in the competition, which has been really cool. THIS JUST IN: On today’s Google Trends:
“If you die what happens to your myspace” [I'm secretly thinking of doing a story on this]
“French women don’t get fat”
“goths in hot weather”
And, currently number 1, 26, and 51 – “tasered grandma”
This is actually just – man. There’s full video and everything.
Apparently, he prefers sugar cookies.
Kathryn Winkfien, 72, was speeding in a 35mph zone (at 60mph), when she was stopped by a local policeman. Apparently, after a brief period of time refusing to sign the citation, she got fiesty and then started sarcastically asking for the paper. The cop threatened to taser her, and then did.
A bunch of us here feel terrible for laughing at her moans, but I’d personally like to place her and the grape-stomping lady in a musical duo.
But – seriously! I understand the police force has its own protocol to abide, but since when is tasering such a quick reaction? Especially on someone’s grandmother! I mean, not to disrespect Kathryn, but what was she going to do? Assail him with her purse, filled of family photos, glasses cases and tissues? Ouch. Austin cops can’t take that.
Now, I’m a fairly small person, compared to the typical size of any cop force. At 5′ 3″ I’d barely be much higher than she. But I still wouldn’t find a need to taser her – there’s a thing called patience and respectful politeness that *should* lend key to interactions with “difficult persons” as one may describe Mz. Winkfein.
But that guy – he’s huge (comparitively)! He could’ve just picked her up and carried her downtown.
How unneccesary.
Oh, and please keep in mind: Kathryn is now being held for resisting arrest and has hired a lawyer.
I have come to the realization that less is certainly more for this blog. There’s about a 1% chance you’ll see a another 3,800 word entry for the rest of the summer. LOST might strike my fancy which is why I left a 1% chance. I also remembered that entertainment is my biggest focus at The Quad since I am, you know, the editor of that section; therefore, the experiential piece I planned to write will no longer be written as it would contain very little entertainment besides a bit about LOST, two video games, and multiple failed journeys to see Pixar’s UP, so it wouldn’t even be a review of the movie but rather a review of my experiences trying to see the movie. I did battle Colin, our Editor-In-Chief, for the position of Editor-In-Chief in a game of Touch Football. Do not misunderstand me: it was literally touch football that we played on Peter J. Smith’s iPod touch. I set an over/under of 19.5 points. I took the under. Colin didn’t even put the position on the line as much as I stated that me and him would play for the position of Editor-In-Chief. It’s a simple game. All one does is slide their index finger on the screen to try to a score a touchdown. I sadly lost the touch I had when I battled Smith months earlier. It was Diddy’s first time playing the game (and Diddy is the nickname I’ve given Colin).
The two savvy competitors in Touch Football
The question that everybody seeks an answer to is: Am I the new Editor-In Chief of The Quad? Did I, in fact, defeat and whisk the title from Diddy?
I did not. In fact, he shut me out. A 12-0 final. I didn’t even come close to ever scoring. Either my slide was too powerful or my index finger betrayed me when it was my turn i.e. it barely moved. Diddy displayed a calm poise, allowing the game to come to him, to reveal itself. It was fun though.
Back to the point: I was struck on Sunday night by the realization of the entertainment aspect of this blog. It’s not like I strayed. I didn’t. I merely planned to stray into other areas of non-entertainment. I was also struck by how enjoyable “less” can be than “more.” I will write as much as needed for LOST and anything else entertainment but I won’t put an entry on life support to satisfy an internal blowhard word-count that is in no way mandated by The Quad. I can be my own worst enemy.
‘True Blood’ has become the show that will occupy me during the hiatus of LOST. I’m not the type of person to toss a show aside once LOST returns though. In fact, Dawson’s Creek was an ‘Occupy Me’ show once upon a time.
Those crazy kids from the Creek!
The year was 2003. Summer 2003. ‘Everwood’ had wrapped up its exceptional first season and ended with one doozy of a cliff-hanger. TBS began syndicating Dawson’s Creek. I began watching towards the end of the school year, when I’d get home early because of the final examination high school schedule. The first episode I saw of Dawson’s Creek is entitled ‘Hurricane.’ It’s first season. Joey’s all about Dawson and Dawson’s oblivious. I do wonder whether Joey wishes she never let her affections be known to Dawson since Dawson made things miserable for her and Pacey during a time despite Joey’s insistence that he wasn’t completely insane. All I did that summer was watch the first five seasons of Dawson’s Creek on TBS. I was riveted. It was fantastic. I own two seasons on DVD. During past LOST hiatus’, I’ve watched Firefly in its entirety, finished Buffy, became a fan of ‘Entourage,’ etc. Don’t get me wrong: nothing replaces LOST when it’s off-the-air. What I watch during the hiatus’ do not suck though. I mean, Buffy and Firefly are fantastic. Definitely Top 5 shows of all-time (and of course ANGEL is also in the top-5).
‘True Blood’ caught my eye last fall when it premiered; however, living at school with no HBO didn’t motivate me to begin watching it. It caught my eye because Anna Paquin looks awesome as a blond. God bless the costume designer of ‘True Blood’ because Anna Paquin looks amazing in every scene she’s in.
Hell to the Yeah.
Reviews began trickling in that it wasn’t a terrible show. I didn’t expect it to be since Alan Ball is overseeing and running the production. I have no interest in reading the books the show is based on though. I’m not an insane fan of vampire stories. I’m a huge ANGEL and Buffy fan but I’ll never read Anne Rice novels or read or watch “Twilight.” “Dracula” is a cool story.
In addition to Alan Ball running the show, “True Blood” had HBO in its favor. HBO produces quality television. “True Blood” is a good show. It reminds me of Buffy and ANGEL. The characters are well-developed. The plots are interesting and substantial. The secondary characters have plenty of life and depth. It keeps me guessing. It surprises me. The cliff-hangers at the end of each episode are great. I am through the first seven episodes of season one and am looking forward to the rest of the season. The show stood out for me once I reached episode four “Escape from Dragon House.” The following three episodes I’ve seen have been great. It’s an enjoyable viewing experience. I’m getting involved with each character’s story (or arc). All of you with Netflix out there, I recommend watching the first season on DVD.
Once the second season begins, I’ll give my thoughts on each individual episode. Time for some LOST.
I’m going to comment briefly on what Carlton Cuse told Michael Ausiello about the return of a certain someone to the show (don’t read if you don’t want to know but it doesn’t give anything away except the joy and surprise but i’d be expecting so it doesn’t matter to me). What struck me about this was, for starters, Cuse breaking radio silence. He and Damon never talk about the next season until comic con. I imagined that when (i happened upon an interview with Emilie before season five began so i knew this news would come before season six) they announced her return, it would be at Comic Con just like how it was announced Harold Perrineau was returning for season four at comic con 2007. Then of course Carlton offered these words about how they are more excited for how the character returns than the simple fact that she is returning. I mean, COME ON! It’s early June, Carlton! Don’t do that to me! It’s only been a month since season five ended! I immediately began thinking about where we last saw Claire, what it means now with Mr. Nameless seeming to be the dude who inhabited the Cabin, what it means for the whole “Did they change the future?” cliff-hanger. How she returns might be with an unborn Aaron in her belly, landing at LAX. But I doubt that. I’m on record believing the season opens in 2007. What I came to realize is that, simply, Claire’s return is going to be awesome and it’s going to make for one hell of a flashback. I am stoked.
I promised archival LOST writing pieces and today you shall get the first of the archival LOST writing pieces…in time. I’m taking a little shortcut way to getting an entry this time. I have my reasons. Firstly, I am (dare I say) pressed for time this week and by pressed, I mean, I am unable to devote the 3+hours it takes me to write a gargantuan entry this week. Now you might be wondering why I don’t simply write it in spurts, why I write it in one fell swoop, and I do not have an answer. The truth: I do break up the days of writing. It’s better in the long run. Better for me because I love to write long pieces. I feel like you get the most bang for the buck you don’t spend by reading a long piece rather than a short piece. I got into a habit (you can decide whether it is bad or good) of writing more than the 600-800 word count required for articles. And I felt that I’d be doing a major injustice to the season five LOST finale if I didn’t write at least 4,000 words (I wanted to get 6,000 but I came way short of that and settled for 4,000 and some change). But enough about word-counts!
I’m in the process of preparing the biggest thing that I will write this summer. Inspired by the experiential post-cards (as he liked to call them) of the late David Foster Wallace, you will, at some point, be reading about my experiences from May 30, 2009 until June 6, 2009. It is a week that includes a trip to the shore, a return to philly that began at 6:52am june 2nd, a return to the shore, and other wild things. Get excited.
Time to spend a few words on sports: Antonio Bastardo made his start last night. I saw about one inning from the entire game because I passed out from my lack of sleep just as the game began at 10pm. It was one of those dealies in which you aren’t concious of passing out but you also are. You’ll find out more about that day in the big jawn I’m going to be writing! But yes, Bastardo pitched 6 innings of 1 run ball. He threw mostly a fast-ball and didn’t really change speeds all too much. But the dude throws heat. Averages 94-95 mph. I happened upon a start of his a saturday or two ago when he was with the Iron Pigs. It was his first start in AAA after pitching twice in AA (I believe). The dude was unbelievable, cruising through the first 4 or so innings before running into a little trouble. Here’s the question though: are the Phillies simply showing him off as a means to end to replace Myers? If I was a betting man, I’d say probably. They’ve got to at least get Roy Halladay though. Just saying. As a whole, the Phils team is playing very solid, fluid baseball. Ruiz is rust-free now and a big, big help out of the 8th hole. It’s an absolutel complete line-up now especially with the offense of Pedro Feliz. The bullpen has been as good as ever. Madson is terrific in the 8th. It’s amazing watching him now that he’s no longer lost in ‘I should be a starter’ thought. One of my favorite memories from the World Series run is when Madson hit 97 on the radar gun. He finally arrived when that happened and realized the potential he’s had since becoming a major leaguer in 2004. That’s about it for the Phillies.
THE LOST SECTION OF JACOB’S FOOT!
Anywho, it’s time for the archival LOST writing piece! What is below is my season four recap which has quite a lot of text from lostpedia.com and Jeremy Bentham. In hindsight, it’s entirely unnecessary given that Widmore thought it’d be funny to name Locke after another philosopher. There are quite a few things in this recap that have been shot down completely by the show itself which is yet another reason why everything should default to the people who run the show. There’s a terrific interview with Damon and Carlton at lostpedia.com (which i finally read. i refused to go near it until season five had wrapped. i didn’t read the entertainment weekly cover story on LOST that was featured in early february until the day after the finale ended and it turned out to be a good thing because there’s loads of stuff that didn’t happen when the cover story originally was published) and Damon addresses the world of fan theories. Now, with season six looming in a few months, every thing is going to fall into place but this quote from Damon is certainly apt. It even connects back to a rant of mine from, I believe, the Dead Is Dead recap (in which I went off on Smoky theories). Here’s the man himself:
Alex: Have you ever seen any theory that has come close to solving any major mysteries? Like the Smoke Monster or Jacob?
Damon: You know, the answer is not really, because… Sometimes, like for example, there were popular theories probably about a year ago, or maybe as long as two years ago, right around the time I guess Eko died. About the Smoke monster’s function was some sort of judge. It basically took your memories and processed your life and decided whether you were worthy of living or not, and that is certainly, kind of, one of it’s functions. We’ve dealt with that more specifically now on the show, but the audience simply does not know enough yet to make an educated guess about where all of this is leading. You will know a lot by the end of the Fifth season, probably a lot more to begin to get a much better sense of what the end game of the show may be, but we’ve had to hold a lot of that stuff back so that people wouldn’t get it too early or that all the answers were coming in the penultimate season of the show. Considering what the audience has to work with, they’ve proven to be incredibly resourceful and insightful, but there are some clues that we have not yet presented them, that are really integral to figuring out what the real endgame of the show is, so there’s no way that they could really, you know, really…(http://lostpedia.wikia.com/wiki/The_Lostpedia_Interview:Carlton_Cuse_%26_Damon_Lindelof)
There’s also a great quote from Lindelof from that EW Cover Story about What Is To Come and lays out exactly what they mean by season six mirroring season one:
‘the storytellers hope that anyone who has ever been a Lost fan will tune in next year as the show moves into payoff mode and begins resolving long-term character arcs. Indeed, compared with this year, season 6 sounds like it could be something of a blast from the season 1 past. Lindelof teases that the sci-fi-heavy season 5 (which includes more Smokey, four-toed statue, and numbers intrigue) ”sets up where we need to go in season 6, which will be much more grounded and character-centric than it is this year.”’
I can’t wait! But in the meantime, here is my season four recap from June 12, 2008 at 9:02pm.
THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME PARTS TWO AND THREE!
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about LOST. I don’t even mean simply the finale. The show as a whole has been on my mind. I’ve been re-watching episodes. I’ve been reading lostpedia.com, thefuselage.com messageboards, old billie reviews, the bible, and alice in wonderland. I’m not even reading these for theory purposes because I don’t really give a damn about theories to be honest with you. I’m refreshing my memory with regards to the past three seasons which is why I’m reading lostpedia, thefuselage, and old billie reviews. I read Doc Jensen’s columns over at ew.com because he’s great with picking out the allusions to literary texts (which i’m very much interested in). When it comes to theories and all of that jazz, I’m much more interested in waiting to see where the show goes instead of going over theory after theory. Most of all, I’m most interested in the characters. LOST is a character study/drama at its core and thats what drew me to the show in the first season. The first season is one of the greatest seasons in history of television. Episodes like Walkabout, White Rabbit, The Moth, Confidence Man, Solitary, Raised By Another, Special, Outlaws, …In Translation, Numbers, Deus Ex Machina, Do No Harm, and the Exodus finale are some of the finest episodes EVER. How can we forget the reveal that Locke was paralyzed prior to crashing on the island? How can we forget the scene when Jack finds his father’s coffin empty and proceeds to destroy it as well as the scene in which Jack tells the airport clerk the importance of burying his father? How can we forget the scene between Locke and Charlie when Locke tells Charlie about the moth’s struggle and the scene when Charlie battles his way out of the collapsed cave because Jack’s arm is dislocated? How can we forget the scene when we learn that Sawyer wrote the letter to the man who ruined his family as well as the scene when Sayid goes to map the Island because he’s ashamed of himself because he tortured Sawyer? How can we forget Sayid’s first flashback with Nadia? How can we forget Claire’s first episode with the psychic Malkin, her reluctance to have Aaron (a great Claire moment, by the way, is in her episode in the second season in which she talks to Aaron after she’s been to the Staff station. The moment bridges her season 1 and season 2 flashbacks). How can we forget the struggle Michael endured while he was kept away from Walt (and subsequently the bond the two forged on the Island)? Of course, I have more to write on Michael later in the entry and the story that was his. Who can forget the scene between Christian and Sawyer in the bar or the scene when Sawyer killed the wrong guy? Outlaws also had the great Sawyer vs. the Boar plot. Who can forget the great Jin flashback in which we find out he is ashamed of his lineage? One of the top 7 scenes in LOST is when he returns to his father and they talk on the fishing boat. I will have more to write on Jin later as well. How can we forget Hurley’s first flashback in which he travels to Australia to discover whether he’s bad luck or the numbers? How can we forget the epic scene in which John Locke pounds on the door of the hatch, yelling: ‘I’ve done everything you’ve ever asked me to do so why did you do this to me?’ and then the light goes on inside of the Hatch (we of course later learn that Locke ended up saving Desmond’s life that night just as Desmond saved John’s. The light gave John more hope and restored his faith in the Island, and Desmond discovered he wasn’t alone.) Who can forget the birth of Aaron as Boone dies as well as the flashback of Jack’s wedding day with Sarah? Do No Harm is the first episode in which a main character dies. And then there is the Exodus finale in which we see everybody boarding flight Oceanic 815. The point of this long paragraph: I’m big on character study and development. Come on, I’m a Joss Whedon fan. That guy’s all about character. Anywho, those episodes are very cool because of the mythological stuff. I’ll never forget the first time I heard the Whispers in Solitary as Sayid’s wandering through the jungle or when Ethan was there to kidnap Claire (I had to leave for Kairos the next week and missed All The Best Cowboys have Daddy Issues! Drove me nuts!). But this isn’t about the first season. This entry is about the fourth season finale of LOST.
Damon and Carlton did one hell of a job with the season finale. There were three deaths. The Island moved. The Freighter exploded. Lapidus’ copter crashed. Penny Widmore ended up rescuing the Oceanic 6 (with Frank and Desmond). The Others were back in their most primitive form. Locke became the leader of The Others. Sawyer jumped out of the helicopter so that the rest could make it to the freighter to re-fuel. Daniel’s lost at sea along with some random survivors. Charlotte, apparently, was born on the Island. Now it’s time for some thoughts:
–I re-watched the scene when the Freighter explodes and have come to the conclusion that Jin is probably dead. Unless the blast sent him overboard before he was killed and he can survive in the water on something then color me wrong but I think Jin is no more. He’s one of my favorite characters. Before his episode in the first season, I had the sense that Jin was a good guy. Indeed Jin was/is the personification of good. I hope but it is a slim hope.
–I know Michael’s dead. Everything changed for Michael once Walt was taken by The Others. But he redeemed himself in the end. I do hope Walt has some part to play in the final seasons. Damon and Carlton owe it to the fans.
–Is Claire dead? I’m not sure anymore. Had that been real and not a dream, I would’ve been certain Claire died in the explosion. I think she is alive. Not sure what Jacob wants with her. Hopefully Damon and Carlton answer that next season. The opening of Raised By Another is a scene in which Locke tells Claire that she gave him away and now everyone will pay. Just saying.
–The Suicide Beard himself was back: Jack Shepard. Loved everything Jack did in the episode.
–I feel like Sun’s going to become my least favorite character on the show. In the flashforward, she basically tells Widmore that she and the other five weren’t the only ones to leave the Island. She’s going to ruin everything but Yunjin Kim knocked it out of the park after The Freighter exploded. Holy cow! Intense.
–Looks like it took Ben 10 months to re-surface after moving the Island. No comment until I see more but Ben is one of the greatest characters ever created. Michael Emerson deserves an Emmy.
–I’m excited to see the zany antics and adventures Hurley and Sayid will have together next season as they try to get out of harm’s way. But I think Sayid’s safe place is that Island. Speaking of Sayid, his fight vs. Keamy rocked!
–There’s gotta be more Richard Alpert next season. Very interesting character. If there’s one thing Richard does its get rid of someone he feels is no longer qualified to lead his people. Is that what happened with Locke? We shall soon see (I hope and, of course, in about 8 months. Ugh.)
–Speaking of John Locke’s corpse, he was going by the name Jeremy Bentham! Who is Jeremy Bentham? Welllllllllllllllll keep reading (there’s very interesting info in here especially about The Jacobins):
FROM LOSTPEDIA.COM
Jeremy Bentham (15 February 1748–6 June 1832) – was an English jurist, philosopher, and legal and social reformer. He was a political radical, and a leading theorist in Anglo-American philosophy of law. He was a child prodigy and was found as a toddler sitting at his father’s desk reading a multi-volume history of England and began his study of Latin at the age of three.
He was a political radical best known for his advocacy of utilitarianism, a form of consequentialism, meaning that the moral worth of an action is determined by its outcome – the ends justify the means. Utilitarianism argued that the “right” action or policy was that which would cause “the greatest happiness of the greatest number”. His critics objected saying that it would therefore “…be acceptable to torture one person if this would produce an amount of happiness in other people outweighing the unhappiness of the tortured individual.”
Bentham also designed a famous prison structure called the “Panopticon”, which creates a sense of constant surveillance and paranoia amongst prisoners.
Bentham was also known for his outspoken opposition to the French revolutionary discourse of natural rights, an idea championed by philosopher John Locke (whose father, also named John Locke, worked for Jeremy Bentham). He also suggested a procedure for estimating the moral status of any action. His principle regards “good” as that which produces the greatest amount of physical or spiritual pleasure, and the minimum amount of pain; and “evil” as that which produces the most pain without the pleasure.
Bentham also argued that the ability to suffer, not the ability to reason, must be the benchmark of how we treat other beings. He stated that if the ability to reason were the criterion, many human beings, including babies and disabled people, would have to be treated as though they were things, rather than beings.
The Jacobins
Bentham was an outspoken critic of the violence which arose after a group called “The Jacobins” seized power in a coup after the fall of the French monarchy — on September 21, 1792.
Originated as the “Club Bentham”, “The Jacobin Club” was the largest and most powerful political club of the French Revolution. It was led by Maximillian Robespierre, self-styled as “the Incorruptible”, he was a disciple of philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau. As such, his political views were rooted in Rousseau’s notion of the social contract, which promoted “the rights of man” (however, Robespierre’s version was of collective rights, rather than individual rights). Any club member who by word or action showed that his principles were contrary to the constitution and ‘the rights of man’ was to be expelled, a rule which later on facilitated the “purification” of French society by the expulsion of its more moderate elements – this became known as the “Reign of Terror”. Robespierre described it thus: “Terror is nothing other than prompt, severe, inflexible justice.”
Later, Robespierre (leader of The Jacobins) had a decree passed that established the “Cult of the Supreme Being”. The notion of the Supreme Being was based on ideas that Jean-Jacques Rousseau had outlined in “The Social Contract”. Robespierre made it clear that his concept of a Supreme Being was far different from the traditional God of Christianity. Robespierre’s Supreme Being was a radical democrat, like the Jacobins. He explained: “Is it not He whose immortal hand, engraving on the heart of man the code of justice and equality, has written there the death sentence of tyrants? Is it not He who, from the beginning of time, decreed for all the ages and for all peoples liberty, good faith, and justice? He did not create kings to devour the human race. He did not create priests to harness us, like vile animals, to the chariots of kings and to give to the world examples of baseness, pride, perfidy, avarice, debauchery, and falsehood. He created the universe to proclaim His power. He created men to help each other, to love each other mutually, and to attain to happiness by the way of virtue.”
Bentham’s auto-icon
As requested in his will, Jeremy Bentham’s body was preserved and stored in a wooden cabinet, termed his “Auto-icon”. The Auto-icon is kept on public display at the end of the South Cloisters in the main building of University College London, his alma mater. For the 100th and 150th anniversaries of the College, the Auto-icon was brought to the meeting of the College Council, where he was listed as “present but not voting”. Tradition holds that if the council’s vote on any motion is tied, the auto-icon always breaks the tie by voting in favour of the motion. The Auto-icon has always had a wax head, as Bentham’s head was badly damaged in the preservation process.
–I’m positive that Sawyer’s still surviving on that Island despite the horrible things that have happened. If I were a betting man, I’d bet the season 5 premiere belongs to Sawyer. It’s just a gut feeling.
–’If anything goes wrong, Desmond is my constant’–Daniel’s words in his journal. Again, if I were a betting man, I’d bet that Daniel uses his constant while he’s lost at sea. I don’t think he moved with the Island.
–Regarding Charlotte, I think we’ll finally learn about the toe statue in season five. And Miles is going to tell me what happened to Claire! ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!
That’s about it for thoughts on the finale. It’s time for the Rankings!
THE OFFICIAL LOST RANKINGS
For the first time ever, me and STEVE commented on each character’s ranking. Me and STEVE have new number ones. Yes, Sayid is no longer number 1 for the first time since the rankings became official. The new number one for me deserves the top spot. I need not say more. Read and enjoy the final rankings until our pre-season rankings in January 2009. Mic’s Rankings will be posted sometime before the fifth season begins.
AFTER EPISODES 13 AND 14
Ranked: 5/30/08
CHRIS
1. Jack–He got them rescused and now he needs to go back to finish what he started. Welcome back to the top spot, Jack.
2. Sawyer–JABOY season for Sawyer. I’m sure he’ll be kicking some more ass in Season 5!
3. Sayid–Sayid’s great. Always dependable. But don’t kill Penny, Sayid. She rescused you. And sorry, Sayid. Records are sometimes broken.
4. Locke–’Wait til you see what I’m about to do’ and ‘This is a place of miracles.’ Locke is amazing.
5. Desmond–He’s great. Sure he was absolutely wrong about his vision of rescue but he never stopped helping the effort to get off of the Island. One of my favorite characters.
6. Michael–You stepped up, Michael.
7. Hurley–I love crazy Hurley.
8. Jin–Don’t believe he’s dead. He could’ve grabbed onto debris. Come on, Lindelof and Cuse! Jin’s amazing!
9. Claire–She might be dead. Who knows. I still love her. BAM!
10. Ben–one of the greatest characters of all time. He is 10 because it is a numbers game.
11. Kate–How dare she call Aaron her son with Claire sitting there!
12. Frank–the best freighter character.
13. Juliet–Solid character she is.
14. Daniel–Was once 4 and now is 14. Why? Not sure. Just feels right.
15. Miles–He’s great but hasn’t done anything to move up.
16. Sun–How dare she blame Jack for Jin’s death!
17. Charlotte–Don’t care about her yet.
STEVE
1. Ben – The most original character of the show. He’s wild. The actor is great. The writing is great.
2. Sawyer – Should be part of the Oceanic 6 if it wasn’t for Fatty McFatFat
3. Desmond – I love the character of Desmond. Hopefully we will see more of him.
4. Locke – Crazy Locke. Great stuff this season. Can’t wait till he’s resurrected.
5. Sayid–The only reason you’re down this far is because you after the island.
6. Jack–They should of made Jack black.
7. Michael–He did what he had to do. RIP.
8. Jin–RIP
9. Miles– Don’t know why Miles is this high…I wanted to get him to #8. Get it 8 Miles. 8 Mile…ha..whoo whoo ha ha
10. Frank–The Real Flyin’ Hawaiian holdin’ shit down.
11. Sun-Woo Kim
12. Claire–Ghostface
13. Kate-Murderer! Stealer of a child! Slut!
14. Charlotte-Starting to Like her
15. Daniel-Can’t stand ‘em.
16. Juliet-She said she wanted to get off the island as bad as anyone. Then she didnt even get on the boat to get off the island. WHOOOOOOOOORE.
17. Hurley-Should of jumped out of the plane. Unnecessary weight.
Okay – my entertainment rant for the week: the “New Moon” trailer.
I did not watch the MTV Movie Awards. Partly because I was attending a burn-your-school-stuff bonfire, partly because MTV proved itself quite capable of ruining music, and I have no intention to see it do the same to movies. From what I’ve heard/read, “Twilight” dominated the awards show – and sadly, I am not surprised.
"Kristin, can we pleasssssseeee take over Antartica next?" "Robby, I told you, I can't stand the cold!"
Now, let me point out the one semi-positive thing I noticed about this trailer before I go full-launch into snarky comments.
The lighting in this trailer is much warmer than the original “Twilight” film’s. Could this be because this movie is more focused on Jacob (the newly-revealed ‘werewolf’ whose body temperature rivals that of a lit stove) rather than cold, sickly pale, statuesque vampire Edward? I think so. Kudos to color symbolism! However, I do find it odd that the trailer is so…bright – when the setting is still in Forks, Washington – the dismal, dreary, ALWAYS RAINING town providing the main setting for the series.
Anyway – onto the demolition. PS – spoilers ahead, but if you’ve seen the trailer, you know the entire movie already.
Yes, I have read all four (and a half) books, and have a love/hate relationship with the series (most of the hate is directed towards Stephanie Meyer‘s ability to turn poor writing into mesmerizing, must-know-what-happens fantasy). So believe me when I say – this trailer gives away about 98% of the book! (Hence the title of this blog) Honestly, if anyone is too lazy to read the book or sit through the film, all they need is to watch the trailer. Oh, and have someone tell them that Edward comes back.
Start the trailer:
Fade in with instrumental-mystic-emo music.
Edward and Bella at her truck, being all passively-romantic. Next shot shows them at the Cullen household where Alice has put together a birthday party for Bella. All the Cullens are happy, and Bella looks disgruntled and constipated (oh wait – that’s just Kristin Stewart’s inability to act).
"Don't be fooled by my wavy locks and sensitive eyes, I may eat you"
At the party, Bella, being the clumsy ditz as is emphasized in the whole series, slices her finger. Jasper, the newest to their weirdly-metaphored “vegetarian lifestyle” becomes overwhelmed with blood-lust, and in a very non-climactic lunge, nearly devours Bella. Om nom nom.
Next shot: Bella and Edward are in the woods – their creepy, nostalgic, woods that have a surprising lack of underbrush and hikers. They break up. Edward is too overwhelmed by his 100 years of experience in relationships with humans [Wait - what? Exactly.] to let his vampiric family continue to be a danger to her. He then leaves her in the woods, coincedentally is where their (in film) relationship began! OH THE CIRCULAR STRUCTURE OF IT ALL!
Another side note: After a strained-face Edward kisses the top of Bella’s head and leaves her – she is left alone in the woods. Idiot! Leaving a woman because you don’t want her to get hurt, then stranding her in the middle of a forest? Pure genius.
After some time in the fetal position, Bella runs into the Jamaican vampire with a French name who we briefly encountered in the first film. Guess what? He’s a bad guy!
As Bella stands silent and lets this creep caress her hair and face, Jacob (Taylor Lautner) stands (shirtless – start swooning now, tweens) and oh-so-darkly and mysteriously, starts making his way to Bella’s rescue.
Right as Laurent is prepared to kill Bella, she somehow runs away from the superspeedy, overly-lethal vampire, and cries out “No!” to Jacob. Jacob, still involved in his angsty, teenage years, ignores her and poofs – that’s right, poofs – into a…thing?…meant to be a realistic, wolf-like figure.
"KABLAM!" "WHALLOP" "Take that, Edward Cullen!"
I say “meant to be” because, while the transformation graphic is pretty cool – the actual wolf looks too CGI-oriented to fit in with the rest of the film. Might as well add a couple of action bubbles, like from the old Batman stuff. POOF! and DASH! would be particularly effective, methinks.
Oh – by the way. That’s the end of the trailer. Which is not particularly a bad thing.
The main elements of the book are that: A) Edward leaves, B) Bella becomes (nearly) suicidal, C)Bella and Jacob interaction increases, and D) Jacob = werewolf. So congratulations, trailer viewers – you’re completely filled in! Oh, except for the whole introduction to the vampire government, the Volturi – which merely provides more material and foundation for the next two books.
But if you really want to know about the entire plot, stop reading this blog and pick up the book – don’t rely on the film. If the “Twilight” film was any indication, “New Moon” will provide only the parts of the book that are plot-essential or have possibilities for cool cinematography options, to be performed poorly at best.
Well, that’s all on my take – what about yours? Something to think about til my next post: Express-Times cockroach chaos.
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