Quad Blogs

I’ve been re-watching Boy Meets World since ABC Family resurrected the show. It airs at 7AM & 7:30AM. I DVR them. I’ve seen every season and every episode multiple times; however, I find myself liking the show less and less this summer. Not the show in general because seasons 2-4 are great; however, the show gets rotten well before the trainwreck that is season seven. For the sake of the brevity of this column, I’ll merely say season five has its fair share of flaws that mostly concern the season arc for Shawn Hunter. Also, the Cory/Topanaga break-up arc is pointless and the show spent way too much time on it. Plus, they retcon Frankie AND Joey. Unforgivable. But season five earns a solid three on the scale from one to five.

Season six, however, is a complete mess. No long-running show transitioned to the college years easily. Boy Meets World did not break the trend. In the college world of Boy Meets World, students do not lock the doors to their dorms. The reason? THERE ARE NO LOCKS. People simply turn the doorknob and they are in. No students carry their keys with them. The ‘No Locks’ policy of Pennbrook extends to the apartments Eric, Jack and Rachel occupy. The actual class part of this college makes zero sense. GEORGE FEENY CAN GET A JOB TEACHING FALL CLASSES EVEN AFTER THE SEMESTER HAS BEGUN?!? He can get away with teaching his class about some crappy poem that Shawn Hunter wrote?!? The registration process can make one’s head explode. Students mill around the student union and sign up for classes. If Cory Matthews wants to take Calculus 3 as a freshman, apparently he can because anything goes at Pennbrook. If he wants to take more classes he’s clearly unqualified for, and would be unable to if he had an actual advisor and a system which prevented students from taking certain classes without the proper requirements, HE CAN. I should mention that he has a guidance counselor, who performs his job poorly and constantly tells Cory that he’s in the real word now. Should Cory regret his enrollment in this difficult courses, he somehow is bailed out by his friends who are able to sign him up for every class they themselves are in. Fantastic. Remember that “Things Change” episode in season five? Glad the writers spent 22 minutes on that when nothing actually has changed in the following season.

If I was the showrunner of Boy Meets World for the entirety of season six, here’s a few changes I would make:

I’m completely okay with Mr. Feeny’s desire to teach. He is a teacher and that’s the only way his character is functional in this series: as the teacher; however, I would not bring him to the college to teach poorly written poetry written by 18 year olds. Instead, I would return Mr. Feeny to John Adams High; however, when he returns to the school, things have changed. Mr. Feeny’s retirement opened up the Principal job. The news of this brings Mr. Turner back from the other side of the school where old characters went when their contract ran out with the show. Mr. Turner wants the Principal job. He doesn’t yet have it nor does anyone because the person who has the job is merely an interim principal. This interim principal would’ve been portrayed by Tony Danza, from the beloved film The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon. It’d be a three episode arc. No one likes Danza as the Principal. I should establish the emotional place that Mr. Turner is in. He’s no longer the fun loving biker he once was. Not since the coma. Not since Shawn moved out of the apartment for no reason. How did he get out of the coma? We’re not sure. Maybe a Smoke Monster helped him to awake from the coma. Perhaps this new Mr. Turner, with a ton of Iago in him, is INFECTED. But, perhaps, this infection is not a literal, physical infection but rather a state of mind due to a period of time when people said to him “you are bad.” Maybe Mr. Turner is Sayid-lite, in case the LOST stuff was lost on you. All that matters is Mr. Turner is a bad dude now. He’s enlisted his buddy Eli in the coup. HE WANTS DANZA’S JOB. The first episode establishes this new story. In fact, the Turner story is the A plot of the episode. The engagment stuff between Cory and Topanga has been resolved off-screen. The B story is Cory being a moron and flying to Jackson Hole to blame Feeny for all his problems. The C story, which would’ve been one scene because of tv length, would establish Eric’s job as a zookeeper at the Philadelphia Zoo. The three episode arc featuring Danza as interim principal would be a sprawling narrative of SHAKESPEAREAN proportions eventually leading, predictably enough, in the removal of Danza’s character from the principal’s office and the MURDER of Eli because Mr. Turner is a bad, bad dude. The audience wouldn’t see that coming. Actually, they probably would. By the end of this three parter in which Feeny teaches many lessons to the college kids about college, he finally is ready to return to John Adams High just before Turner’s promoted and THAT sets into motion the big story for season six.

Yes, Cory and all of his friends would have their stories. There would’ve been plenty of hijinx like an episode when Cory goes to brush his teeth and a band of 14 people, dudes and girls, exit the men’s bathroom, leaving behind seven fans blowing at the highest speed or the episode when Shawn goes to brush his teeth and a fight breaks out between rivaling floors which, for some reason, would lead to a heartfelt story that would remind the viewers for the 3,478th time of Shawn’s childhood in the trailer park. There’d be the episode when Topanga, Angela and Rachel band together to put peanut butter on the shower heads and the episode when Cory freaks because his floor has to talk with the RD about dropping apples down the stairwell, lighting wine boxes on fire in the bathroom and Cory would freak because HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT WINE IS. These would be stand-alone episodes to distract viewers from the intense Shakespearean-esque plot of John Adams High. In the episode before the winter hiatus, Mr. Turner WOULD BLOW UP FEENY’S HOUSE and the Matthews would remain completely oblivious to this because Mr and Mrs Matthews would have sent Morgan to a private all-girls school so that they could live in Moscow, Russia. There would’ve been an epsiode featuring Alan Matthews, in an episode directed by William Russ himself, in which Alan falls into the murky world of the East Europe underground meaning that the Matthews house is no longer their house and is, in fact, INHABITED BY JIM ABBOTT, the former Yankee who appeared in a season one episode. Returning to the Alan Matthews centric episode for a moment, I don’t want to say it would be the plot of the movie of Taken but it WOULD’VE been the plot of Taken with the same exact ending and as Morgan is at private school, the Maggie Grace character would’ve been portrayed by HARLEY’S SISTER. You may know her from Halloween 4 and 5 and the terrible Rob Zombie remakes. We’d discover that she was a wreck following the end the brief time she and Cory dated and has never been able to get over Cory Matthews so she decided to test out the illegal sex trafficking rings that exist in Eastern Europe.

The final five episodes of season six would’ve been emotional and intense. Shawn would realize his former mentor IS EVIL which would lead to an emotional episode in which we find out Mr. Turner never forgave him for leaving the apartment without a goodbye note nor forgave him for failing to visit him in the hospital while in a coma. Mr. Turner explains in the third act that Shawn Hunter is the reason why he’s no longer a good man and has been plotting for a way to get Feeny’s job. Shawn Hunter would be sent reeling after this. But then SHAWN WOULD WRITE A POEM FOR MR. TURNER and Mr. Turner would return normal after hearing the poem. And we’d have the collective epiphany, after a staggering 7 minute soliloquy by Mr. Feeny about the nature of good and evil, that Mr. Turner was not evil at heart but merely had the bad habit of listening to people give him lousy advice about how to become principal of John Adams High School. Cory would’ve been jealous because Shawn didn’t write the poem for him which would plant the seeds for the possibility of Cory becoming the Big Bad in season seven.

Basically, think Macbeth MEETS the actual sixth season of Boy Meets World. It would be terrible but it would be SHAKESPEAREAN. The season ends happily with everybody singing “Enjoy Yourself” By The Jacksons. Even Eli returns because he NEVER died. He got better. And Feeny’s blown up house was merely just a small model of the house. His real house turns out to be just fine. And, of course, I’d be fired following the conclusion of the season and the new showrunner and the rest of the writing staff, who no doubt turned on fictional showrunner during the middle portion of the season, would retcon each and every character to deliver the seventh season as it actually happened.

Now, it is time to for RECOMMENDATIONS FOR LIFE!

This is a gimmick I’m stealing from myself. I introduced Recommendations early into my podcast run and I don’t plan on using this gimmick on the podcast anymore so it’s being moved here. Basically, I just recommend things to watch/read/do etc. HERE WE GO:

The new Louis C.K. show premeired on FX last night. I was one of the few Americans that didn’t actively hate his short-lived HBO comedy, Lucky Louie. It aired after Entourage and I never turned the channel so I wound up watching the entire first season. His new show, Louie, is different from his HBO comedy. Louis C.K. plays himself. Time is devoted to his stand-up act as well as small vignettes, or very short films (as Alan Sepinwall described), that illustrates, or brings more life to his stand-up acts. He’s a divorced father of two. The second episode is pretty good especially the story about Louie reconnecting with a girl he once knew. The show, as mentioned above, just debuted but I imagine the mere fact that I’m recommending this show be watched will mean that people actively avoid watching the show. If you want to give it a shot, it airs Tuesdays at 11PM.

THE YOUTUBE CLIP OF THE DAY

Welcome to another of the vacation blogs. I’m sorry for the delay but it seems the wireless signal that I had commandeered suddenly decided to disappear. I’m left with this slightly lower quality signal. In any case, I can’t say when it will chose to work or not. I shall do my best.

Today has been quite the exciting day for yours truly. I started it off by watching “Terminator 2: Judgment Day” on DVD and now here I am writing a blog entry. It’s really a nice change of pace from my usual routine of writing blogs and watching “Terminator 2” on DVD at home.

Anyway, in light of tomorrow being the first day of the NHL’s free agent bonanza, it’s time for another round of Names I Wish I Didn’t Know!

Names I Wish I Didn’t Know: Flyers Goalie Search Edition

Marty Turco. Tim Thomas. Evgeni Nabokov. Chris Mason. Dan Ellis.

Not a ton of winners on that list. The best one of the lot is Nabokov, but there is no way that he’s coming to Philadelphia now that we know he can’t be signed to an incentive-based over 35 contract. Apparently, he didn’t quite hit the necessary deadline for that yet .

That list, along with the rest of the available goalies for that matter, doesn’t carry a ton of promise. Lot’s of has beens and never weres. Older gents who want a ton of money for their diminished skill set or younger ones who have fallen on hard times.

Earlier in the offseason there was a rumor floating around that the Flyers wanted a young, franchise-caliber goalie. That has proven to be false apparently, as the Flyers have been reportedly seem scrounging around in the remaindered bin, looking for a diamond in the AARP.

That’s the exact type of thinking bought the Flyers such distinguished netminders as John Vanbiesbrouck and the legendary Jeff Hackett, who retired after a scant five months in a Flyers uniform. Both of their jersey numbers are due to be retired by the organization in the upcoming season.

Or possibly never.

I’ve said it a thousand times: bring back Marty Biron. He’s a great locker room guy and he’ll sign on the cheap because he wants to go somewhere he can start. The plan behind this being that Biron is a proven playoff performer who could hold down the fort until one of your own young goalie prospects could step up and takeover. You know what you’re getting with Marty. Most of these other guys have too much baggage even for Jerry Springer.

Instead, the Flyers seem content to pick over the league’s scraps. Learning lessons is for suckers after all. Real men are willing to make the same mistakes over and over again. Like Will E. Coyote running off of all those cliffs. You would think he would just give up and move to Kansas or somewhere else where cliffs exist only in note form. Yet, he didn’t. He just kept right on going. I wonder if he can play goal?

If this thing comes down to the Flyers signing a washed up Marty Turco or just closing your eyes, crossing your fingers and keeping Michael Leighton, I’d prefer the latter. There’s always a chance Leighton will develop into a solid NHL goalie. Behind the Flyers defense, it might not even matter. I’d be surprised if he ended up making a ton of cash this off season anyway. I just don’t think other teams are sold on him quite yet and for good reason.

Maybe I’m just being pessimistic. Twenty three years as a Flyers fan will do that to a guy. Maybe one of the crum bums on that list will actually turn out to be something mildly acceptable for the orange and black. Or even good. They’ve all been good before. Heck, Ellis isn’t even THAT old. He used to be a Nashville Predator and the Flyers are the nation’s number one Predator recycling plant.

I’ve been wrong before. I’m the same guy who loudly proclaimed in December that the Flyers should just trade Chris Pronger to a winning team because they weren’t going to be competitive while he was still a viable NHL defensemen. Then the Flyers had to go and pleasantly prove me very, very wrong. So there’s a pretty healthy chance that I’m wrong about at least one of these goalies. History is on my side on this one though.

Texans have “remember the Alamo” as their rallying cry. For Philadelphia Flyers fans, it should go something like “remember Jeff Hackett!”

Now let’s get to another Vacation Beard of the Day!

That’s all for today. Vaya con dios.

So it turns out that they now have the internet in New Jersey. Interesting. I watched a documentary on the state on TV the other day, I believe it was called “Jersey Beach,” or something to that effect. In any case, I got the impression that people in Jersey only had time for spray tans and house music. Learn something new every day.

            Any who, I’m writing this entry while sitting with my feet in the crystal clear Atlantic Ocean. I’ve got a tropical drink in a pineapple in one hand and a massive conch shell in the other. The conch shell is used to get people to bring me more tropical drinks served in pineapples.

            Such is the majesty of vacation.

            I’ll keep this entry brief because I have a deep tissue massage scheduled for 3 p.m. with a Swedish woman named Johan. Seems a strange name for a lass, but who am I to judge?

            We have some unfinished business to attend to, namely the answer to Friday’s Scene of Mystery! The Post Collegiate Apocalypse corporate offices were literally flooded with a guess on which film the Scene of Mystery came from. Remember, the winner of the contest may receive $10,000 worth of stuffed animals from Janice Redington. First, a little refresher of the image in question.

            One reader, known only by the letter “J,” guessed that this image came from the 1991 film “Terminator 2: Judgment Day.” A good guess considering that it is the greatest thing ever put on film, but sadly, it is also incorrect.

            The scene actually comes from the 1997 film “Spice World.”

           

            As a result of this wrong answer, the mysterious reader “J” now owes Janice Redington $10,000 worth of stuffed animals as per article 17-2 in the Scene of Mystery Rules and Regulations Guide.

17-2: Any person or persons giving an incorrect answer to the Scene of Mystery must turn over $10,000 worth of assorted stuffed animals to Janice Redington within 60 business days of the revelation of the correct answer. Failure to do so may result in the creation of a second Post Collegiate Apocalypse (PCA) blog, which the incorrect guesser or guessers will then be forced to read daily in addition to the original PCA blog. 

            And so there you have it. The Scene of Mystery is a harsh and unrelenting game, which should only be played by the most battle hardened of souls. Mystery reader “J” now has first hand knowledge of the cruelness of the game. Better luck next time whoever you are.

            And thanks for playing!

            Now for the Vacation Beard of the Day!

            That’s all for today. I’m off to my massage and then I’m teeing off with NJ Governor Chris Christie for 27 holes on one of the state’s many fine golf courses. Sure, most people only play 18 holes of golf, but I’m not most people.

            Vaya con dios.

Image Credits: Spice World; Sparrow

I think Bill Simmons has put the Twilight obsession into perspective for me. Should I wait to write about Twilight so that this could coincide with the release of “Twilight Three: There Is No Spoon”? Probably; however I’m feeling the complete opposite of how North Korea’s feeling as they leave South Africa for their home country.

Rumors are circled that the DPRK’s team will be punished for their poor performance in the Cup by being forced to work in the Coal Mines for the rest of their lives. Officials close to the club deny it, citing the Asian Cup being a mere seven months away. Rumors have also circled that Kim Jong-il is responsible for the drubbing his team took against Portugal. Rumor has it the PRK’s leader texted the PRK coach, Kim Jong-hun tactics to use. Why in the world would anyone tell a coach to go away from the tactics that nearly gave the DPRK an epic upset over Brazil, the number one team in the world? Maybe if I ran the only Stanlinist country left on the planet I would understand but, to use the famous last words of one fictional LOST character John Locke: I don’t understand. I’ve read as many DPRK articles I could during their time in the World Cup and I’m even MORE confused and mystified. I just hope the players aren’t sent to the coal mines for the rest of their lives. The game against Brazil was very impressive. This mysterious and enigmatic North Korean squad going toe-to-toe against Brazil. One wonders, though, after the games with Portugal and the Ivory Coast, how much the Brazil game boiled down to the Brazil side being mostly clueless about the team aside from qualifies and friendlies. NO! I shall not take away a great effort by the North Korean squad. It was quite an experience watching the team and reading about them. Also, Ian Darke is the greatest soccer broadcaster in the world.

Anywho, back to Twilight Three: There Is No Spoon, the obsessive Twihards, and the idea of obsession. I never understood the Twilight fanfare when Joss Whedon created and co-created the two finest vampire shows of all-time. After reading The Sports Guy’s opening paragraph in his Draft Diary about how he doesn’t take the piss out of his wife and daughter’s love for Twilight and Robert Pattinson, citing his six fantasy leagues as his own insane obsession, I too realized I have insane obsessions. In fact, this blog is living proof of one such obsession: LOST. I’m the same guy involved in fantasy leagues for baseball, hockey, football and basketball. There’s a never period during the year when I’M NOT setting a lineup or thinking about my fantasy sports teams. I’m the same guy who obsesses over ESPN’S Streak For The Cash, when the mood strikes me. True story: I once watched two terrible CAA teams play on the University of Delaware website because I picked one of them. I also have too much time on my hands.

So, to not bore the masses reading, I will cut my list of nonsense obsessions short and say this to the Twihards: Life After Jacob’s Foot is a safe haven for you. I will not insult the franchise. Okay, I probably will when the mood strikes me like now.

I really want to deliver one message: under no circumstances should anyone dress like a vampire and apply glitter to himself or herself to capture the sparkle aspect of the mythology. A vampire sparkling’s about the lamest attribute for a supernatural creature. It’s on par with the nazi werewolves True Blood just introduced.

Additionally, I want to deliver this message to those who think the actors are actually the characters they get paid to portray. You realize if the casting director and the director had an eye for talent, they would not cast Robert Pattinson in this role? The same applies for Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner, Ashley Greene, etc. I’ve seen no more than 45 minutes of the first Twilight movie. During this time, a buddy of mine merely made tons of obscene jokes during the forty-five minutes. Why do Twihards send death threats to Emilie de Ravin for merely accepting an acting job in which the story had her being romantically involved with the character Robert Pattinson was cast to portray? It’s not Edward Cullen leaving Bella Wetblanket for Emilie de Ravin. There comes a time when people must differentiate between reality and fiction. Actually, YOU SHOULD ALWAYS DO THAT. Do you think I walk around and refuse to accept an actor who worked on LOST as any other character? No. Somehow, this only happens with a series of books that poorly reverses established vampire tropes, is poorly written and poorly acted. Do you want to see a real vampire movie? Netflix the Swedish film Let The Right One In.

Well, if any Twilight fans actually read this, I’m sure they won’t read anything I write again. I will now stop writing so I can follow the Spain/Chile game and the Swiss/Honduras game closely.

THE YOUTUBE CLIP OF THE WEEK

In tribute of Michael Jackson, who died one year ago today, here is “Rock With You

¡Peliculas con Viernes! Looks like I’m finally putting the four terms of Spanish that West Chester forced me to take to good use. Now if only I could find something constructive to do with all that math nonsense. 

            I have to say, the old You Should See, I Should See was getting a tad bit boring. After much thought and countless hours of soul-searching, I’ve decided to expand the idea a little bit and bring in some new features as well. If there’s one thing I’ve learned since graduating, it’s that it is always a good idea to spend ample amounts of time on things you aren’t getting paid to do. 

            Always. Trust me on this.  

Now on to the Recommendation Section! 

            You Should See- “The Mist” 

             

            One Sentence Review: One of the best horror movies to come out in recent memory, “The Mist” works as both an incredibly effective monster movie and a study on the effects of fear. 

            I Should See- “Where the Wild Things Are” 

            

            This week’s I Should See comes courtesy of Chris M., no that’s too obvious, C. Monigle! Thanks for the suggestion! You can email your own cinematic suggestions for my viewing pleasure to cmcglinchey17@gmail.com. 

            Netflix Recommends: If you like “Terminator 2: Judgment Day,” then Netflix thinks that you’ll just go batty over “Runaway” starring Tom Selleck’s moustache and some other people, one of whom is Gene Simmons. 

  

Please Remake: “Friday the 13^th” 

            I know, I know. We’re all supposed to complain about the never-ending sea of remakes coming out of Hollywood. Let’s face it though, there are just some movies that NEED to be remade.   

            Now, you’re probably thinking: “didn’t Hollywood just remake this movie about a year ago?” You’re right of course, but the thing that Hollywood has yet to do is to make a truly scary “Friday the 13^th” movie. Or for that matter a really good one. The franchise’s high water mark is still “Friday the 13^th Part 6: Jason Lives,” a goofy yet lovable entry that marked the first of the “Zombie-Jason” movies. While entertaining, the movie isn’t scary. 

            Someone, somewhere has to be able to take the simple premise of a camp-fire story come to life and give it the big-screen treatment that it deserves. Make it happen Hollywood and you stay away Michael Bay (yeah, that’s a triple rhyme)! You’ve done more damage to Jason Vorhees than Freddy Krueger could ever dream of doing.  

Mostly Useless Movie News  

            Amanda Bynes retires from acting at age 24? The good news is that Bynes can now be reunited with her career, which retired from her about five years ago. Thanks to Joblo.com, the internet’s #1 source of fan boy movie news for the link. 

Box Office Predictions 

            How much will this week’s new releases manage to scrounge up at the box office? Well, it’s time for me to put on my puffy psychic hat and give you the inside scoop! 

“Knight and Day”- $35 million 

“Grown Ups”- $15 million 

            And now I will use my puffy hat to predict the exact order of the top five highest grossing movies. 

Top 5 

1.)    “Toy Story 3” 

2.)    “Knight and Day” 

3.)    “Karate Kid” 

4.)    “Grown Ups” 

5.)    “The A-Team” 

Note: Predictions are meant for gambling purposes only. Author’s prognostications should be taken extremely seriously due to the confirmed psychic powers of the “puffy hat.” 

            On to this week’s Scene of Mystery! Can you guess what film this image comes from? If so, Janice Redington will give you exactly $10,000 worth of stuffed animals. 

            

            Let’s end this thing with a new Beard of the Day! 

            Well, that will about do it for this, the first ever ¡Peliculas con Viernes! I will be down the shore next week, but I will be attempting to post some things depending on the internet situation at my planned destination. If I am unable to post, please consider yourselves lucky and run for the hills. That’s all for today. 

            Go with God. 

Image Credits: Triple H

Hot on the heels of yet another Dinosaur Wednesday, I’m not sure if you folks need any more evidence of just how crazy I am, but here we go. Forgive the reference to those awful Bud Light commercials. It was unintentional, I swear.

            Anyway, the rest of the known universe is watching the World Cup with baited breath, eagerly anticipating every key goal, no matter how infrequent, every toot of the vuvuzelas, no matter how too frequent.

            Me? Not so much. I’m not a soccer guy. I’ve seen bits and pieces of some games here and there. Honestly, my favorite part of the World Cup comes at the end when people announce that “finally soccer will take hold in America!” You know, just like Olympic hockey permanently increased interest in the NHL. Exactly like that.

            For me, the biggest thing going right now is this Friday and Saturday’s impending NHL Entry Draft. You know, the same draft that the Flyers lack first and second round picks in? I’ll be watching Friday night, even though the only team that I care about likely won’t be drafting anyone until well into Saturday afternoon.

            Now, this may seem a touch hypocritical for me to sit here and tout the virtues of the NHL Draft, especially considering my rather harsh opinion of the month-long spectacle that has become the NFL Draft.

            I think my real problem with that situation stems from the average folks who feel the need to share their “expert opinion” on the draft. An expert opinion formed by watching a handful of college football games here and there. You know the type. The kind of guys who call in to 610 WIP and announce their “can’t miss prospects,” each more obscure than the last. Prospects who played for schools that you can only find if you happen to possess Johnny Depp’s compass from the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies.

            “Yeah, North South West San Diego State University’s third string tight end, man that guy is going to be a stud. You just watch!” Right. I won’t be holding my breath, thanks.

            My interest in the NHL Draft has nothing to do with boosting my ego. I know almost nothing about any of the players being drafted this year except for what I’ve heard others say. Don’t worry; I don’t plan on parroting any of that back to you here.

                 My interest in the draft comes from the potential for huge, blockbuster deals. The days surrounding and including the draft have become a second trade deadline. The Predators funnel their best players elsewhere, the Islanders get on the phones to track down leads on starting goalies, the Thrashers do something stupid but luckily no one is paying any attention.

            You know, the usual.

            It’s just fascinating to watch who ends up where. To play the game in my head where I try and figure out how that move affects the Flyers. Hmm… In no way do I need to find better ways to spend my time.

            My gut tells me that the Flyers will make a decent-sized splash at this year’s draft. I can see them making a big move for a young goalie (Bernier, Schneider, Harding) and a pick in the first round. I kind of don’t want that to happen though. I want Marty Biron back and Johan Backlund as his back up. (Today’s blog was bought to you by the word “back.”)

            I also want Coburn and Hamhuis signed, so let’s get cracking here Holmgren. October isn’t that far away.

            So that’s probably what I’ll be doing this Friday night. Glued to my TV set watching VS. Such is the life of the average college graduate, I expect. I mean, what else do kids do on the weekend these days? Go out and do stuff? Hog wash! I’m pretty sure most kids my age will be happily indoors, watching Taylor and Tyler (as a society, do we need BOTH of those names?) and listening to whatever schmuck VS runs out there to fill the Mel Kiper Jr. role. Heck, someone’s got to make a definitive list of “can’t miss picks” and then spend the next hour explaining why most of them have yet to be drafted.

            It’s the sporting way.

            Now back to the Beard of the Day!

            Ok, that’s all for now. I’ll be back tomorrow with a revamped Friday lineup. Or not. I’m still experimenting. Vaya con dios.

Welcome to another Dinosaur Wednesday!

            Let’s start off as we always do, with this week’s Outstanding Dinosaur Award! This award is presented to the dinosaur that you would most like to play a game of Monopoly with, even though if you started winning, it would certainly crush both the board and yourself.

            This week’s Outstanding Dinosaur is…

 

            The Stegosaurus! Incredible! This is the second week in a row that we have had the Outstanding Dinosaur Award go to a plant-eater. I have a cactus and a bit of bamboo in my room that are none too pleased with the recent disregard I’ve shown for plant life. I should be careful though, after all, they know where I sleep. But any impending plant-related homicides are my problem and not yours. Let’s take a look at some basic statistics on our be-plated champion courtesy of our friends over at enchantedlearning.com, the internet’s #1 source of grown-up oriented dinosaur information.

• Name means “plated lizard”
• 26-30 feet long
• 9 feet tall at the hips
• 6800 pounds
• Late Jurassic Period, roughly 156-140 million years ago
• Lived mainly in Colorado, Utah, Wyoming (‘Merica has all the best dinosaurs)
• 17 boney plates ran along its back in two rows
• Had a brain the size of a walnut

            So there you have it. The herbivores have won it again, though I fear this may only serve to anger the meat-eating contingent of the dinosaur universe. That can only mean bad things for our vegetarian friends. Good thing the Stegosaurus has all those plates, I suppose. Perhaps I’ll throw the meat-eaters a proverbial bone next week… haha. Someone should be paying me to write gold like that! What’s Jimmy Fallon’s phone number?

            Now it’s time to take a peek inside of the Post Collegiate Apocalypse Steel Cage to see who will be battling it out in this week’s Prehistoric Celebrity Grudge Match!

 

            What a tilt this should be! In one corner you have the STAR of Pixar’s latest masterpiece “Toy Story 3,” the incredibly cute blue Triceratops named Trixie! You’ll notice Trixie appears to be from the same toy line that gave us Rex, the first ever winner of Prehistoric Celebrity Grudge Match. Maybe Rexy’s given her some sort of in with the algorithm. We do know that the algorithm was once an employee of Pixar, but it left due to philosophical differences. We’ll see if that history comes in to play at all. In the other corner we have the villainous, murderous albino Baryonyx who famously butted heads with a one-eyed weasel in the chronological nightmare that was “Ice Age 3.” Just the mere sight of this menace is enough to send chills down your spine. If you hear his roar, then it is already too late. Facing off against Trixie this week… is Rudy.

            Of course, in order to crown a winner in this throw down, I’m going to have to fire up the notorious dinosaur algorithm. Some say that the algorithm is actually Chuck Norris’ phone number and that it understood the last two “Matrix” films. Either way it is the only way to decide a winner. I’m pushing the button… NOW!

            Trixie’s done it! She’s vanquished Rudy and “Toy Story” characters are now 2-0 in Prehistoric Celebrity Grudge Match! This is truly a proud day for Pixar, I’m sure.

            Alright, well it wouldn’t be Dinosaur Wednesday without a Jurassic Park Quote of the Week. This week’s clip comes courtesy of Youtube.com.  

           

            And let’s wrap this thing up with a brand new Beard of the Day!

            And so we come to the end of another Dinosaur Wednesday my friends. Thanks for reading and vaya con dios!

I have a confession to make. I don’t listen to the radio all that often. I find that even the stations that I like play entirely too much Jack Johnson and Dave Matthews to hold my attention for long. I also don’t really watch MTV. I’ll occasionally tune in just to see what the kids are up to these days (hair gel and spray tans mostly). I don’t linger for too long though. I feel like it may be hazardous to my health to do so. 

            Besides, I’m not sure I can pull off a spray tan. 

            I also don’t really watch E! I’ll put it on for Joel McHale, but that’s only once every blue moon. 

            Now that I’ve clarified those things, I have a question. I don’t listen to the radio, watch MTV or E!, so how the heck do I still keep hearing so much about Lady Gaga? 

            It seems like wherever she goes people take pictures of her and then somehow I have to see those pictures. Despite my best efforts, I know that Lady Gaga was at the New York Yankees game the other day. How do I know this? Well, Yahoo Sports and the Sports section of The Philadelphia Inquirer both told me so. 

            Not only was she at the game, but she went uninvited into the Yankees locker room following the game to rub elbows with such players as Robinson Cano and Mr. Money Bags. Best of all, she did this wearing the very classy outfit of a bikini with a mostly unbuttoned Yankees jersey over top of it.  

 

            Excuse me, but I need to be a wee bit sexist for a minute here. I don’t want to see Lady Gaga in a bikini, especially not in my Sports section. Look, I don’t want to see Lady Gaga standing next to a mannequin wearing a bikini. I don’t want to see Lady Gaga watching an episode of “Spongebob Squarepants” because it may make me think of the word bikini. If we were talking about, say Selma Hayek, it would be a different story. I just don’t understand the attraction of “Gaga,” as I hear the kids calling her. 

              All of this is beside the point. How the heck did Lady Gaga take over the media? It seemed to happen overnight. One day our society was just walking along, minding its own business and then next thing you know BAM! Gaga’s running the show. 

            You want to know what she had for breakfast yesterday? Seacrest is on it. 

            Curious what she thinks about the Gulf Oil Disaster? Don’t worry because Stephen A. Smith is writing a piece about it right now. 

            Look, I don’t really have a huge problem with her. I just don’t want her mixed in with my sports news. If I can’t go another second without knowing what she wore to the carwash last Monday, I’ll track down Seacrest and he can tell me. I just assume that it’s now part of his job to follow her around at all times like an over-hyped, spikey-haired ninja.  

            Now that I got that off my chest, how about a little “Pokerface?” 

 

            That’s the definition of a guilty pleasure. I hear Money Bags and crew sing it in the locker room after wins. Or Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays losses. Or anytime a Boston sports team blows a 3-0 series lead. 

            On to the Beard of the Day! 

            That’s all for today. Check back tomorrow for the latest Dinosaur Wednesday! Vaya con dios. 

 Image Credits: Gaga; Conan

This past weekend, Netflix finally got around to sending me the pretty solid noir-ish thriller “Edge of Darkness,” starring Mel Gibson and his best attempt at a Boston accent. Since I don’t currently live in Boston, nor do I ever plan to, I was able to let the accent thing slide. Then again, I’ve heard that Bostonians think Leonardo DiCaprio’s accent in “The Departed” was weak. If that’s true then I guess I have no idea what people in Boston actually sound like (or think they sound like), so who am I to judge Mel?

            In any case, the movie got me thinking about actors who may (or may not) be crazy, but still make amazing movies. In other words, I can look past their baggage and still enjoy their work. In that spirit, here are the “Top 5 Actors Who I Don’t Care Might Be Crazy.”

            First, a few words on the list. I’ve only included living actors, because who wants to speak ill of the dead? You may not have a problem with Marlon Brando haunting you, but I do. I’m just saying, I saw “Paranormal Activity,” ok?

            Another point about the list: I’ve included only actors who have done something nutty recently. Johnny Depp used to be a bit out there, but he certainly has mellowed out in recent years, at least in terms of his personal life. I guess having two kids, a French pop superstar girlfriend and your own private Caribbean island can do that to a guy.         

5.) Colin Farrell

                   Charges

• Excessive boozing
• Sex tape with Playboy model
•  Allegedly propositioned an elderly woman for sex

                    Defense

             Ignoring the third entry, that list isn’t enough to call a guy crazy, right? A hot-blooded young Irish lad perhaps, but surely not crazy! Well, thanks to the internet: yes, yes it is

            Now, I understand why people who are marginally famous would want make a sex tape. It has done wonders for Kim Karadashian. Farrell, however, was already famous in 2003 when the alleged tape was made. What was in it for him outside of the obvious? When will celebrities learn that total privacy should never be assumed?

            Despite his sketchy personal life, Farrell still makes some damn good movies and is extremely talented. Look no further than “In Bruges” or “Crazy Heart” for proof of that. He just needs to learn to stop filming himself doing things he’ll later regret. You know, like “Alexander.”    

4.) Angelina Jolie

                    Charges

•  Wore a vile of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood around her neck
•  Creepy relationship with her brother (See: Above)
• Broke up Jennifer Aniston’s marriage
• Adopts children from across the globe        

                 Defense

            Ange certainly has mellowed out a bit from her younger days, but she didn’t make quite as clean a break as Depp did. She’s not oogling her brother or wearing Billy Bob’s blood anymore. Instead she started adopting kids from all across the globe and broke up Jennifer Aniston’s marriage.

            The kid thing is a little odd, but hardly crazy. If Ange wants to turn her house into a Noah’s Ark for impoverished children, who are we to complain? She’s using her vast resources to make the world better. She’s not doing blow and driving around downtown LA, so she should be commended.

            As for Brad Pitt, I’m siding with Ange. Divorce happens. Honestly, Pitt should have taken more heat than he did for this. It was really more his fault anyway. He was the one who left Aniston yet somehow Ange became the villain.

            She may be a home wrecker and a bit of an oddball, but “Changeling” is a great movie.

3.) Christian Bale

                    Charges  

• Epic rant on set of “T-4”
• Very, very intense
• Lost 1/3 of body weight for role in “The Machinist,” only to regain it all for next film (“Batman Begins”)
• Has played Jesus Christ, a deranged serial killer and Batman

                    Defense

            Apparently, all it takes to turn a guy from dedicated method actor into a steaming pile of crazy is one little, tiny on set rant. The same rant also had the power to drop Bale from box office king to also-ran. Never mind that two of his latest films had built-in problems he couldn’t have helped. “Terminator: Salvation” was made (apparently exclusively) for fans of the fading franchise and “Public Enemies” really just wasn’t that great. These facts probably affected box office numbers more than a few “F” bombs could.

            Bale’s not really crazy. He’s just an intense guy who takes his job very seriously. Remember in “Tropic Thunder” when Robert Downey Jr. says that he doesn’t break character until the DVD commentary? I remember hearing that if Bale was doing an American accent in a movie, then he would only grant interviews using that accent. I’ve talked to people who didn’t even know he was Welsh because they’d never heard his actual voice.

            Still, it’s not hard to look past the quirks when a guy has a filmography that includes both “American Psycho” AND “The Dark Knight.”

            And for the record, his Bat-growl is awesome, so lay off and for the love of God stay out his sight lines when he’s filming a scene.

2.) Tom Cruise

                    Charges

• Married to Katie Holmes
• Scientologist
•  Hates prescription drugs
•  Danced on Oprah’s couch 

                    Defense

            Perhaps it’s the boyish charm. Or the classic leading man good looks. Or maybe it’s just the laundry list of great movies he’s made, but I have no problem looking past Cruise’s personal life.

            He can jump on Oprah’s couch all day long and marry whatever member of the “Dawson’s Creek” cast that he wants as long as he keeps making movies like “Valkyrie.” I know, I’m a sucker for the historical drama, I really am.

            I don’t care that Scientology seems a little kooky. I think all religions seem a little kooky to people who don’t subscribe to them. Tom Cruise might just be the happiest man on the planet, who are we to begrudge him that? As long as he’s not killing kittens or plotting a hostel takeover of Disneyworld, then who cares?

            He makes great movies. He can give his money to whatever religion he wants to. It’s none of my concern. Unless, he wants to give it to the Church of Depp-tology, which I started. If that’s the case, Tom and I need to talk.            

1.) Mel Gibson

 

                    Charges

• Fire and brimstone Christian
• Drinks too much and spouts off at the mouth about “the Jews”
• Can get too friendly with female cops
• Affinity for dead languages

                    Defense

            Anyone who has ever gotten drunk has said/done things that they regret. For some of us, these range from the trivial (like calling an ex or getting in a fight) to the life-changing (unwanted pregnancies and the like). If you’re Mel Gibson then they involve claiming that the Jews are responsible for all of the world’s wars and then calling a police officer “sugar mitts.”

            This is a family blog, so I edited that last one for content, but you get the idea. 

            I won’t defend what the guy said or did, but the sentence that he received in the court of public opinion seemed a bit hypocritical. Especially considering that people seemed more outraged by what he said, than by the drunk driving, which was clearly much, MUCH worse.

            Mel made his mistakes and he paid for them. God help us all if the things we say when we’re drunk get taken that seriously. If that’s the case, then I guess that makes Tucker Max the devil.

            Mel Gibson has made two highly successful movies in which the characters speak exclusively in dead languages. TWO! I don’t think anyone else in Hollywood could do that once, let alone twice.

            On to the Beard of the Day!

            Ok, well all that went on longer than expected. If you’re able, come back tomorrow for yet another edition of Names I Wish I Didn’t Know!

            Vaya con dios.

Image Credits: Colin Farrell; Angelina Jolie; Christian Bale; Tom Cruise; Mel Gibson 1; Mel Gibson 2