Well, I’ve got some good news Joeys and Rachels.

            No, sadly I have not found a way to turn my English degree into a license to print money. I’m still grappling with the pickle matrix on that one and it remains a work in progress.

            I’m proud to announce that after spending several hours on hold and losing 2 ¾ phones to dead batteries; Microsoft has agreed to fix my XBOX 360 for the second time at no cost to me! It seems that my console had another 11 days remaining under warranty, so if it had to break on me (and apparently it did), now was certainly the time.

            This is truly grand news because it means that, in a little under a month, I will be able to disappear into the depths of my basement, far from the reaches of sunlight and immerse myself in “NHL 11.”

            Goodbye reality, hello computer-generated hockey. I missed you so much.

            Now, you’re not here to listen to me drooling all over my keyboard about my impending descent into videogame-induced isolation. Hardly. You want to know the answer to last week’s Scene of Mystery and I will give that to you. After another round of…

            That’s right! I will select a quiz completely at random from noted post collegiate time-passer Sporcle.com and post the results. Of course, I’d love it if you would head on over there and try the quiz yourself and post your results in the comments section. Do you have what it takes to Beat the Apocalypse? We shall see…

            This week’s random quiz is… Can you name the Lady Gaga songs by their First Line? Oh boy. This is going to be a disaster, but here we go! I have FIVE minutes!

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             Wow. Just 3 of 22. That was, as I anticipated, a disaster. Apparently my Lady Gaga knowledge is not up to snuff. What do you think? Can you do better? Can you Beat the Apocalypse? It shouldn’t be hard, yet the gauntlet has been thrown down!

            Moving on. Are you the head of a multibillion dollar corporation with money to burn? Do you absolutely need a recent college graduate with a degree and a minor in dying industries? Well you’re in luck because here I am! Need more convincing? Well here are two more of the…

            Reason #33

            Colin McGlinchey has an English degree but can’t tell you what a gerund is.

            Reason #71

            Colin McGlinchey once made a pair of shoes out of green electrical tape and wore them to high school. 

            Your move companies. I await your lucrative contract offers.

            And now it’s time for the main event, the big enchilada, the mucho guapo oso: the answer to the Scene of Mystery!

            First, a quick recap of the answers we received.

            Chris and Bryan each figured that my Shyamalan rant was an elaborate misdirection effort and so they guessed “The Village” and “The Last Airbender” respectively. Janice seems to have temporarily unhitched her bandwagon from the “Terminator 2” bandwagon and gone instead with the Pixar film “A Bug’s Life.” Will Janice finally score a victory or will she be forced into yet another undesirable career position? Let’s fire up the Youtube clip and find out!

            Oh no! The correct answer is “The Happening!” Both Chris and Bryan were clever enough to see through my smokescreen, but they each picked the wrong Night Man movie. Still, there will be no penalty for their incorrect answer, because they were both quite close. Janice was, as per the usual, completely off. As a result of her actions, she will now be forced to ghost write the Garth Snow autobiography “The Snow Man Cometh: How to Win to Make Glen Sather Look Reasonable.”  So goes this week’s Scene of Mystery! Thanks to all who played!

            And now for the Beard of the Day!

He fought for Troy against the Greeks, ignoring the overwhelming odds. He fought for his wimpy kid brother. He fought for freedom! Bouys and gulls, the "Hector!" ummm... I mean Eric Bana. Hector.

            That’s all for today! Thanks for stopping by and vaya con dios!

Image Credits: Bana

            I have no life-threatening incidents to report this week so let’s get right to gabbing about movies, shall we?

              So here’s the deal. You’re going to be stranded on a desert island for an undisclosed length of time. Never fear though, because you won’t be going alone. No sir. You can bring three individuals along for the trip to help you survive out there in the wild. What’s even better is that you just so happen to be living in a “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” style world where cartoons and humans live together in prefect harmony. And these days, there is one name is animation that rules benevolently over all others. Congratulations, you are permitted to bring along THREE characters from the beloved films of Pixar Animation Studios.

Pixar Edition

            Those are really the only restrictions. If you want to pick three characters from “A Bug’s Life,” you just go right ahead. I mean, that would be sort of strange. It’s a good movie, but not THAT good. Hey, don’t let me tell you who to put on your boat, I’m just saying.

            Of course, if you asked me my list would probably go a little something like this…

                                   Rex

Ah yes, the beloved star of the “Toy Story” franchise. Now on the surface a small and very timid plastic dinosaur toy may seem like a strange choice to bring along in a survival situation. Rex is NO Bear Grylles after all. I can’t picture Rex diving into frozen lakes or facing off against a herd of elephants or using a deer corpse as a toboggan. Although, the thought of him doing these things is hysterical.  And THAT is precisely why I want Rex. He amuses me to no end. He’s adorable and clumsy and I want those qualities on my island. Rex would be my Gilligan. After all, one of the most important aspects of survival is maintaining your sanity and what better way to do that than a few laughs with old Rexy? 

Remy

            Hey, survival situations aren’t all laughs and deer carcass toboggans. We’re going to need to eat eventually and who better to handle the food situation then a gourmet chef?  There will be some obstacles to overcome, like the fact that Remy really only communicates with humans by pulling on their hair. I’m cool with growing my hair out a bit for the sake of conversation. There definitely won’t be a barber shop on that island so it should be too much of a problem. Another huge problem will be the fact that Remy is… well… a rat. Not in the mob movie sense either, but an honest-to-goodness rat. Now, before you go and play the species card on my, I assure you that I’m just concerned for his safety. Lots of things eat mice and I need Remy making my dinner not being turned into someone else’s. Rex won’t be very effective scary away potential mouse assassins. He’s simply too cute as we discussed above. 

            This brings us to our last island-mate.      

                                        Mr. Incredible

            Heck yeah the enforcer! Who’s going to mess with my little buddies when Mr. Incredible’s biceps are around to keep the peace? You go that right, no one. Plus, he can rip trees out of the ground which we could use to build our super-cool shelter.

 With that combination of brains, brawn, and beauty, we should be able to last three or four seasons of “Survivor” on that island. Beat that Probst.

            Please feel free to share your own lists in the comment section!

            How about a little Gritando en el Cine?

            “Devil” stormed into theaters today straight from the slightly delusional mind of M. Night Shyamalan. I say slightly delusional after hearing the Night man himself on a local morning radio show.

            Shyamalan talked at length about his perceived arrogance, likened himself to a young Hitchcock and spoke in grandiose language about the personal relationship that he has with his audience.

            It’s this last one that really got me. Considering his sagging domestic box office numbers (“Last Airbender” made a bunch of money because of the cartoon not him) I find it pretty umm…arrogant to play up your ability to connect to your fans.

            I used to be one of those fans too until “The Village” came along and ruined everything. Shyamalan and his team sold that tripe to me as a monster movie, so imagine my surprise when that rug was pulled out from under me at the halfway point. The twist was a joke and painfully obvious as soon as the characters started referring to those mystery boxes. I felt cheated by the whole thing. Considering the negative reaction that film got, it seems I wasn’t alone.

            A few months ago, I was in a pretty full movie theater and the trailer for “Devil” came on. Everyone in the theater seemed to be enjoying it, until something happened. In huge letters “From the Mind of M. Night Shyamalan” appeared on the screen. The entire theater broke out laughing.

            Now, that one theater is hardly representative of the movie going public as a whole, but the picture becomes clearer when you factor in the box office numbers and extremely adverse reception his films get from both fans and critics.

            Shyamalan needs to stop writing and focus on directing. He is a talented director who has become a below average writer. He should ditch this highfalutin image that he has of himself as an auteur who reaches out and touches people’s lives. He may have once been that, but no longer. Right now he is a hack and a bad joke.

            If he really wants people to stop thinking he’s arrogant he should stop using his name to sell his movies now that his name is no longer a gold standard. I will not be fooled by him again. Not after “The Happening.” As Christian Bale once famously said: “Seriously you and me, man, are done professionally.”

            Let’s take a gander at this week’s Scene of Mystery!

            If you correctly identify the scene, Janice will send you on an all expenses paid vacation to lovely Kuala Lampur! If you guess incorrectly, there could be grave consequences.                

Ah yes, the break out star of "Inception," the painfully charming Brit and future "Mad Max" star. Mr. and Mrs. Pacmans: the "Tom Hardy!"

             Thanks for reading, havea solid weekend and Vaya con dios!

Image Credits: Hardy 

Philadelphia sports fan get a bad wrap. We get blamed for being too critical, too mean, too drunk, too obnoxious and basically any other negative description you can possibly think of. Now, those things are all patently untrue of the group as a whole.  

            Another thing that Philly fans are also notorious for is their deep seated pessimism. You know what talking about. That slight tingling sensation in the shins that screams sooner or later something is going to go horribly, horribly wrong. I admit that I suffer from the occasional bout of the glass half empties. Especially when it comes to my belovedly Inglourious Flyers. I just want them to win so badly that I assume they won’t. I know. It’s a bit twisted really.  

            That’s why this next sentence will come as a bit of a shocker: I think the 2010-2011 Flyers are a BETTER team then the one that came within two wins of the Stanley Cup last season! I know! The gall, the unmitigated optimism! I can’t believe that I’m saying it either!  

            Sure, the Flyers lost a good chunk of their heart and soul when they traded Simon Gagne to the Tampa Bay Lightning for peanuts. They didn’t even bother to upgrade everyone’s favorite hot-button position: the goalie!  

            How, oh how can they be better when faced with such circumstances? Well, I’ll tell you. This year’s version of the Flyers (Inglourious version 2.0) is deeper in every position then last year’s group and thusly a better team overall. Let’s start our investigation on the back end with the…  

Defense

            Welcome aboard: Andrej Meszaros, Sean O’Donnell, Matt Walker  

            Vaya con dios: Ryan Parent, Lukas Krajicek  

            The defense was the backbone of the Flyers incredible playoff run last season. Chris Pronger and Kimmo Timonen will once again headline the corps, with Matt Carle hopefully continuing to build on last year’s breakout season. Speaking of the “h” work, here’s hoping that Brayden Coburn will finally get his head on straight and become the player that we’ve seen flashes of over the past three and a quarter seasons.   

            As for the newbies, Meszaros showed tremendous potential during his first two years in Ottawa and then fell apart when he went to Tampa Bay. Hmm… highly touted defensive prospect goes to Tampa, falls off the face of the Earth and then gets traded to the Flyers. Sound familiar? It should. It’s the Matt Carle story and I think that worked out pretty well for the orange and black. And don’t give me your Steve Downie nonsense either. I’ll trade a hundred 20-goal scorers for a top pair D-man with Carle’s upside.   

            Meszaros and O’Donnell will solidify a third pair that was the Flyers Achilles Heel during the playoffs. Walker will be a depth guy in case someone gets hurt or in case Pronger wants the occasional night off.   

            The Flyers have the NHL’s most expensive blue line, but it is money well spent. The Flyers defensive corps is the perfect balance of size and skill, youth and experience, speed and toughness. On paper, this is an elite group, one that should easily carry the Flyers one yet another deep playoff run.  

            On Paper Grade: A  

    Keep an eye on…

That's right, I'm calling it now. Braydon Coburn is finally going to put two and two together and have a rock solid season. He's going to earn that big raise he got this offseason, I'm sure of it.

Time has passed? 

He won the Stanley Cup in 2007 as a member of the (Mighty) Ducks playing alongside Chris Pronger, but he'll turn 40 early in the season. Can he provide the Flyers with an effective, stay-at-home presence or has the game passed him by? Only time will tell, but I sincerely hope thst it is the former.

            Ok well I’ve decided not to drag this on any further… today, that is. I will actually be dragging this out much further over the next several days. I’ll review the goalies tomorrow alongside of Peliculas con Viernes and the forwards on Monday with Big Reveal Monday. Maybe we’ll even have some fun along the way! Fingers crossed.

             Now to the Beard of the Day!

             That’s all for today! Vaya con dios!

September is the ultimate mixed bag month. You’ve got some good and some bad elements locked in an epic stalemate for the month’s soul. One the one hand the NHL preseason begins, but on the other so does school. Hmm… better make that last part past tense.

            Anyway, as far as holidays go Labor Day isn’t exactly the most exciting thing in the world. Heck, I love cooking out as much as the next guy, but excuse me for not getting worked up over having a Monday off. I just had three months worth of Mondays off. What do I need another one for?

            By far though, the worst thing to lurk in the shadow of September is seasonal allergies. It’s like clockwork every September 1. All manner of ghastly fluids begin pouring from every opening above my neck.

            Was that too much information? I apologize.

            Yesterday I decided to finally fight back against this yearly invader. I went to a doctor and he armed me with pills so potent that you need to show your driver’s license in order to obtain them.

            Even better, he wrote out a prescription for some steroid nasal spray which has helped immensely. I’m not just talking about with the allergies either. Several major league baseball clubs heard the word steroid and immediately offered my nose multi-million dollar contracts.

 Ba dum chi!

            That’s right Norman! All of that was just a long-winded way of getting in to today’s Dinosaur Wednesday!

            Each week, the Outstanding Dinosaur Award is given to the Dinosaur judged to have made the biggest positive impact on its neighbors and the surrounding community. This week’s Outstanding Dinosaur is…

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                       The Anatotitan! Yet another duck-billed winner of the Outstanding Dinosaur Award! Let’s check in with our friends over at EnchantedLearning.com to learn more!

• Name means “giant duck”
• 33 feet long
• 8 feet tall at the hips
• Weighed about 5 tons
• Very similar to Edmontosaurus (a previous Outstanding Dinosaur Award recipient) but was more lightly built and had longer legs
• The two animals are so similar that some scientists have argued that they were one and the same
• Could walk on just two legs or all four
• Lived in the late Cretaceous Period, about 70-65 million years ago, toward the end of the Mesozoic Era  
• Herbivore

            Congratulations to you, oh giant duck! Let’s scurry right along as we finish off the first round of the 2010 Prehistoric Celebrity King of the Steel Cage tournament! First a quick look at where we stand in the bracket thus far.

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            Remember, the winner of this prestigious tournament will receive one million dollars worth of Janice’s hooded sweatshirts, bragging rights and a super secret new MYSTERY PRIZE! The Mystery Prize will be revealed later on in the tournament.

            As always we will make use of the patented PCA Dinosaur Algorithm to determine a winner in each match. Some say that the Algorithm was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s personal trainer between the years 1970 and 1971 AND that its favorite car is an Emu. All we know for sure is that it is the best method to determine a winner in these high stakes contests. Let it begin! 

            Looks like the Algorithm did quite well for itself betting on the first week of NFL action. No one likes a show-off. I’m just saying. Tonight’s first matchup pits a T-Rex skeleton against a fleshier version of itself. In the mauve corner is Rexy (PCGM Record: 1-0-0, Odds: 25-1), the T-Rex skeleton from the “Night at the Museum” franchise that acts like a frisky puppy. In the magenta corner is the T-Rex (PCGM Record: 1-0-0, Odds: 15-1) from the first “Jurassic Park” film. Two early favorites here going at it. Let’s fire up the Algorithm and see who will come out on top…

            The T-Rex from “Jurassic Park” wins! Skin bests bone once again!

            Great, it’s the Monopoly guy from “Ace Ventura 2.” We get it, you made a ton of money last weekend. Well done. Anyway, our second match pits Trixie (PCGM Record: 2-0-0, Odds: 10-1), the co-star of the summer blockbuster “Toy Story 3” against one of the bite-sized Compys (PCGM Record: 0-0-0, Odds: 300-1) from “The Lost World: Jurassic Park.” Trixie is a massive favorite against the Compy. Will the little fellow be able to overcome those long odds and move on to the second round?

            No he won’t! Trixie wins! Amazing! How about a look at how our tournament is shaping up after one round of action.

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            Round 2 starts next week and noted gambling enthusiast/Hollywood producer Drake Stone will commemorate it by finally revealing his odds on the Mystery Contestant, plus don’t forget about the all new Mystery Prize! Stay tuned!

            Now it’s time for the ‘Jurassic Park’ Clip of the Week!

            You just try to not get the chills listening to that. John Williams you are the man. Moving on to the Beard of the Day!

That's right Alans and Ellies! The man behind the soundtrack of my childhood, I humbly give to you: the legendary "John Williams!"

            Thanks for reading! Check in tomorrow for the official Post Collegiate Apocalypse Flyers 2010-2011 Season Preview! Vaya con dios!    

Image Credits: Williams, Anatotitan, Ana Comp, Moneybags, Ace 2  

Moments ago I logged in to my Gmail account and came face to virtual face with an email from a certain home shopping corporation. Naturally, I was surpised by this because this particular corporation and I have no business dealings of any sort. What could they want with me? Perhaps someone had stolen my non-existant credit card and used it purchase some type of jewlery that was going and going fast.

            My interest peaked, I opened the email.

             Luckily, my non-existant credit card had not been stolen and my pretend credit remained unmolested. I was momentarilly relieved, that is until I continued to read the email. It turns out that it contained far worse news than I could possibly have imagined. News that would go on to shape the rest of my evening and possibly beyond…

              The home shopping corporation had rejected my job application, but they did promise to keep it on file for future reference. They assured me that it was nothing personal and were happy to announce that they received a great many applications for the job. So many that they could have built the world’s largest paper air force and used it to carpet bomb Britain.

             They didn’t actually say that last part, but I felt that it was implied.

             I was devastated. I was crestfallen. I was… confused.

             See, I don’t remember applying to them for their alleged copywriting position and I don’t remember ever sending them my resume. Yet, I was still dissappointed by the news that I would not be getting a job that I didn’t remember ever applying for.

             I think that is what must be meant by rock bottom. Getting turned down for jobs that you don’t even remember being interested in to begin with. Well, that or the Pittsburgh Pirates. Either or.

             Anyway, just about the only thing that can remove this unanticipated burn from my soul is another edition of the beloved online series Ask-A-Dinosaur, starring our very own Dinosaur Wednesday drummer Norman. Are you ready? Let’s go!

            Well wasn’t that just something? We learned a lot this week, we really did. Remember to submit your questions to Norman in the comment section and he will respond to them in an upcoming episode. Ask him about anything: dinosaurs, the past, the present, the future. Any old thing that your heart may desire.

            On to a new Beard of the Day!

The facial hair of the newest Flyer just screams leadership. Just look at that slight hint of gray. And that scar? Warrior. Now, all they need is to find somewhere to put him and a way to pay him. Morks and Mindys, the "Bill Guerin!"

             That’s all for today. Tune in tomorrow for a brand new Dinosaur Wednesday, when we will conclude the first round of the 2010 Prehistoric King of the Steel Cage Tournament! Hope to see you then. Vaya con dios!   

Image Credits: Billy Guerin

Football season is upon us once again my friends! Truth be told, it actually began on Thursday, but honestly Thursday isn’t for football. It’s for “Must See TV” and gym class. Well, it was for gym class during my grade school days, but all of this is just beside the point and the point is that football is back and that can only mean one thing…

            We are less then TWO weeks away from the start of preseason hockey!

            It feels like just yesterday that my heart was ripped from my chest and stomped on by that little mullet-headed weasel and his cronies from Chicago after a long, occasionally exhilarating and often times excruciating season. Now we get the chance to endure it all over again.

            Ah the wonderful world of sports fandom. Anywho, this is all just a long-winded way of warning you that my 2010-2011 Flyers Season Preview will be up on Thursday so if you have no interest in hockey you may want to make other plans. I’m naturally assuming that you organize your own social calendar around this blog just as I do.

            Of course you do, now let’s find out the answer to Friday’s Quote of Mystery! Remember, we’re playing today for a lifetime supply of free movie tickets courtesy of Janice!

            First we should do a quick recap. Chris guessed that the quote came from “Red Dawn,” while Bryan guessed “Rocky IV.” Janice continued to beat the “Terminator 2” drum. Will she finally be right or is she just chasing waterfalls? Let’s find out using the patented PCA De-Scramblatron!

            “Hot Shots: Part Deux!” I never saw that coming! That film, of course, starred Charlie Sheen of “Red Dawn” fame and parodies Sylvester Stallone’s “Rambo” franchise. Bryan and Chris were so close, but sadly, the same can not be said for Janice. As a result of her actions, she must now spend the next four months as personal assistant to Megan Fox! Her duties will include pretending Fox is a legitimate actress, tracking down scripts that involve lots of standing around/pouting and sending threatening letters to Michael Bay and his family. Enjoy, Janice and thanks for playing Quote of Mystery!

            How about another round of…

            Reason #2           

            Colin McGlinchey has a Flyers name/number T-shirt for everyday of the week… including Funday.

            Reason #44

            Colin McGlinchey once led the Minnesota Wild to TWO Stanley Cup titles in four years while playing the videogame “NHL 10.” 

            We all know that Sporcle.com quizzes are one of the best ways to fritter away the Post Collegiate hours. Whatever you’re into, the chances are good that Sporcle has a quiz for it. It is in honor of this fantastic website that I present to you Beat the Apocalypse!   Each Monday I will select a Sporcle quiz at random and answer it as best I can. I will then post the results here and invite you to see if you can best my score.

            This week’s random Sporcle quiz is…

            Now, I swear that I clicked the random quiz button and this is what I got. “Can you Name the Rocky Balboa Opponents!”

            Alright, I have two minutes. Here we go!

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          6 out of 13! I’m disappointed with myself. It would appear that I need to see “Rocky III” again, considering I forgot everyone he fought in that movie. Oh well. Now it’s your turn! Can you Beat the Apocalypse?

            That is a morbid-sounding name. It does not seem good. I just might need to change that.

            Time for the Beard of the Day!

In honor of yet another Phillies win, I humbly give you one of the all-time great Phillies (beards). Clarissas and Fergusons, the "Eric Bruntlett!"

            That’s all for today. Thanks for reading and tune in tomorrow for an all new Ask-A-Dinosaur! Vaya con dios!

Image Credits: Bruntlett, Topper

Earlier today I saw my life flash before my eyes and I must say that I was pleased with what I saw. Sure there was an inordinate amount of napping and entirely too much time spent on or near couches, but still, not too shabby thus far.

            Your move Oprah…

            Anyway, you may be wondering what led to that sudden and decidedly unexpected pressing of the rewind button on the VCR that is my existence and so I shall tell you.

            Side note, I need to invest in a DVD player for my existence. Getting a little behind the times there.

            So there I was, perched literally thousands of feet in the sir atop of a scaffolding system, attaching some manner of dealys to the side of a house. Actually, truth be told I wasn’t attaching anything. I was merely assisting and by assisting I mean that I was sitting down and holding on more furiously then a thirteen year old girl clutches her Taylor Lautner autographed photo. Or Kanye West clutches his Kanye West autographed photo.         

            So as I sat there, occasionally ducking my head to allow jumbo jets to pass by, I began to ponder an age old question. A question that scholars have debated since the days of Socrates. Possibly even earlier then that.

            I asked myself… if I was stranded on a desert island, which THREE “Ocean’s 11” (2001) characters would I bring along to help aid in my survival?

            Desert Island Essentials

            “Ocean’s 11” (2001) Character Edition

            Now keep in mind, I said CHARACTER! So no, I won’t be bringing Brad Pitt along to ask him how Ange and the kids are doing.  No sir. I need characters. Brad Pitt’s Rusty, while drop dead sexy, is eating something almost every single time that he appears on-screen in “Ocean’s 11.” I can’t have that on my island. Food may be scarce and I can’t have Rusty polishing it all off by the third day because of some clever tick of his.

            Here’s my list in dramatic order. Please feel free to share your own in the comment section below.

            Danny Ocean (George Clooney)

            This is a no-brainer. Danny is a natural, charismatic leader who always manages to get the best out of those around him. If there is anyone who can get you off of a desert island it is Danny Ocean. If Danny Ocean were on “Lost,” the show would have lasted five minutes. They would have been all: “Oh no we’re stuck on this island with a monster!” Danny would have been all: “Pishaw, I just built us a brand new plane and got the monster to pilot it for us. Let’s go home and party!”

         Yen (Shaobo Qin)

            You’re darn right I’m bringing the acrobat. First of all he’s the exact opposite of Rusty. Yen is a tiny, tiny guy. He definitely doesn’t spend a ton of time eating so there should be plenty of supplies to go around while Danny figures out a way to get us home safely. Plus, Yen can use some of his acrobat skills to scramble up a tree and get us coconuts and mangos and all sorts of tropical delights.     

         Basher Tarr (Don Cheadle)

            You’re probably thinking: “You fool! Why would you bring the explosives expert?” Don’t be so silly. Aside from being cool as a pod of cucumbers (I think that’s what cucumbers travel in) Basher has a Cockney accent and often speaks in rhyming slang. Instead of saying we’re in trouble, he’d say we’re in deep Barney. Barney Rubble. Trouble! I could listen to him go one like that for days while eating mangos, except that it won’t take that long because Danny already got us off the island. On top of that, he also got us all front row seats to the sold out Wayne Newton show in Vegas.

            Moving right along. It’s time for today’s Mostly Useless Movie News!

            “I’m Still Here” opens

            Yes, apparently we’re all still supposed to be interested in Joaquin Phoenix and Casey Affleck’s “documentary” about the former’s decision to leave acting and become a rapper. For some reason, critics keep insisting on treating this as though there was some grain of truth in the film, as opposed to viewing it as the Andy Kauffman-inspired farce that I am almost positive that it is.           

            It seems very obvious to me that all of this is a load of hooey and applesauce. Phoenix is a very gifted and committed actor. There is no doubt in my mind that he would willingly destroy his career for the sake of art or to prove a point. In this case, I’m sure that point is something about the media.

            The most troubling thing I’ve read about the movie came from Entertainment Weekly’s Owen Gleiberman who in his review noted the film’s depiction of Phoenix’s rampant drug use.

            “That Phoenix’s handlers — and Casey Affleck — enable his behavior by never attempting an intervention amounts to an ethical lapse. Yet the film’s unflinching honesty is, in the end, its own justification. Affleck uses Phoenix’s descent to forge a riveting — and, in its way, cautionary — case study of a celebrity self-destructively addicted to his own psychodrama.” 

            That’s an insane and horrifying statement. How can the film’s honesty be an excuse for anything, let alone a friend allegedly watch another friend destroy himself and do nothing? Especially when you take into consideration the tragic story of Phoenix’s older brother River, who died of a drug overdose. To act like the events depicted in the movie are real and that they can somehow be justified by the quality of the film would be laughable if it wasn’t so disturbing. 

            I won’t pass judgment on Affleck or Phoenix because only they know what they truly intended to accomplish with “I’m Still Here,” but Gleiberman is a dope. If by some strange twist this is all real and an intervention was never attempted then there is no artistic justification in that.

            Thankfully, it’s not real and I will be sitting here patiently waiting for the pair to jump out and shout “gotcha!” The proof is in the pudding.     

            Alright. Let me step down from my soap box and step up to the mountain to once again hold council with the Netflix Supercomputer to see what films we should be watching. Darmas and Gregs, the ORIGINAL Netflix Recommends!

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             That’s right! If you enjoyed the 3-D shark attack spectacular “Jaws 3” then you’ll just go Lady Gaga over “Angels and Demons,” which features Tom Hanks breaking ancient codes and symbols while tracking a mysterious and dangerous secret society. There’s some religious mumbo-jumbo in there for good measure.

            On to today’s QUOTE of Mystery!

            Unscramble the following letters to form a famous movie quote and identify the movie from which it came and you could win a lifetime supply of free movie tickets courtesy of Janice!

        Ybba ativs al athas

                        Let’s wrap this up with a brand new Beard of the Day!

No, Janice did not once again comandeer Beard of the Day with another Dumbledore picture. Lois' and Clarkes, the "Michael Caine!"

                        That’s all for this week. Thanks for reading and have a safe and secure weekend. Vaya con dios!

Image Credits: Michael Caine

            Every day my Gmail account is literally inundated with an email from the renowned job search engine Monster.com. Inside of that email are links to dozens and dozens of jobs all ripe for the picking. Employers just sitting there like damsels in distress, waiting for their white knight to ride up on horseback and hand them a resume. 

            It’s the stuff that post collegiate dreams are made out of… except that it’s not.

            You see, apparently Monster.com is completely and utterly bonkers. So bonkers that it calls Mel Gibson for psychiatric advice. So bonkers that it owns “The Hottie and the Nottie” on Blu-Ray.

            I’m not exactly sure how Monster decides what jobs to send out, but I know for a fact that that system is absolute rubbish. I’ve been offered all sorts of jobs which I am in no way qualified for. I wonder if others have run in to similar problems or if I somehow managed to break my Monster account? Who’s to say? All I know is that Monster thinks very highly of me and my abilities and thusly, I’ve decided to share with you some of my personal favorite offers in a little something I’m going to call: The Monster Jobs Chronicles.

            On Saturday September 4, I received the following offers:

• Staff Accountant

My Qualifications: I used to divide by arbitrarily picking small numbers because, while I didn’t understand why, I did know that division problems always had small answers.

• Staff Registered Nurse

My Qualifications: I have not one but TWO aunts who are nurses. My own personal knowledge of medicine is limited to what I learned from watching the first eight seasons of “Scrubs” religiously. Hell, I even saw an episode or two of the spin off “Scrubs: Med School.”    

• Dental Office Manager

My Qualifications: I brush my teeth twice daily and go to the dentist once every year or so. Also, I have seen the cheesy horror movie “The Dentist” starring Corbin Bernsen.

            On Sunday September 5

• Sr. Rail/ Transit Engineer

My Qualifications: I have braved many a Septa train in my day. Also, I have been on the monorail at Walt Disney World. In terms of engineering, I am truly baffled, as is, I’m sure, my high school physics teacher. That poor man had to deal with my mouse trap-powered car, which was literally four wheels attached to a mouse trap and my balsa wood bridge which quickly collapsed upon its four skinny legs because I misunderstood the project’s directions. Apparently not all bridges need legs. At least not the balsa wood variety.

• Medical Operating Room Technician

My Qualifications: I’m not even good at the board game “Operation.”

• EXPERIENCED MANAGEMENT: HOUSEKEEPING AND LAUNDERY

My Qualifications: Not sure why they went with all caps. I don’t even make my own bed.

            On Monday September 6

• DIRECTOR, PHYSICIAN SERVICES CBO

My Qualifications: Again with the caps. This job combines what Monster believes to be my two biggest apparent skills: math and medicine.

            On Tuesday September 7

• Curator of Chinese Art

My Qualifications: Yeah I got nothing. I don’t understand this either.

            On Wednesday September 8

• Staff Geologist

My Qualifications: I am aware of the existence of rocks. I have also been told that I have them in my head. I’ve eaten a good deal of rock candy.

• Medical Writer (Several Openings)

My Qualifications: None of which I’m qualified for…

            Today’s Job

• Horizon Scanning Analyst

My Qualifications: I’m going to assume that all the only duties that are required by this job are constantly staring off into the distance and repeating the phrase: “now bring me that horizon” over and over again. I’m in! Well played Monster!

In honor of the Fightin' Phils finally leapfrogging past the Atlanta Braves and into first place in the NL East, I present to you: the "Ryan Howard."

            That’s all for today! Vaya con dios!

Image Credits: Ryan

             Fancy meeting you here.

            I can only assume that you must have missed yesterday’s debut of Ask-A-Dinosaur. Surely there’s no way that you’d still be visiting this site if you were exposed to that level of nonsense. Or perhaps you just so happen to have an incredibly high tolerance of nonsense. Lucky for me if that’s the case because today is Dinosaur Wednesday! Where your nonsense tolerance will be tested to the breaking point!

            Each week the Outstanding Dinosaur Award is presented as a means of recognition, and as an incentive to scientific and technological research and development, with special consideration for researches which have brought true benefit and well being to dinosaur-kind.

            Topangas and Coreys, this week’s Outstanding Dinosaur is…

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             The Troödon! In addition, I am pleased to announce that this little spitfire will also receive an honorary Ummy from the Umlaut council for its pioneering work bringing the umlaut to diacritical mark-impoverished dinosaurs everywhere. Cöngratulatiöns! Nöw let us partake in a hearty helping öf Troödon-learning courtesy öf öur friends at EnchantedLearning.cöm.

            It seems that I’m to be bought up on charges by the Umlaut Council for gross amounts of improper usage. The dream is över. 

• 6 ½ -11 ½ feet long
• 3 feet tall at the hips
• Around 110 pounds
• Fast runner
• Lived during the late Cretaceous Period, about 76-70 million years ago
• Lived in Western USA/ Canada
• Carnivore
• Believed to have been the smartest dinosaur because it has the largest brain in proportion to mass
• Name means “wounding tooth”
• Had serrated teeth and a raptor-like claw on each foot 

            Good times and they keep on gettin’ better. Let’s take a peak at the official 2010 Prehistoric King of the Steel Cage bracket to see where we stand in our tournament thus far!

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            It seems that we have a bit of a theme going on this week as FOUR beloved television dinosaurs will enter the steel cage with only two advancing to the next round. The winner of the tournament will take home one million dollars worth of Janice’s multi-colored hooded sweatshirts and an invaluable amount of bragging rights amongst their fellow celebs.    

            Let’s see who will be duking it out in our first match.

            Hmm… well it seems that the Algorithm has decided to throw its support behind the Atalnta Dream in the WNBA Finals! Very nice choice. Moving on. Earl Sinclair (PCGM Record: 1-0-0 Odds: 30-1), the loving father and husband from the classic 90’s sitcom “Dinosaurs” will do battle with Baby Bop (PCGM Record: 0-1-0 Odds: 250-1) who ran in Barney’s Entourage on the long-running television drama “Barney and Friends.”

            Who will come out victorious? Well for that we must turn to the completely unbiased PCA Dinosaur Algorithm. Some say that the Algorithm invented kangaroos and that it can swim underwater… on land. All we know is that it is the only way to determine a winner in this heated contest. The doorknob we use to activate the Algorithm has been replaced by a game of “Mouse Trap.” I’ve started the trap!

            Earl wins! Score one for reality TV over animated TV!

            Let’s hurry things along here and see just what our second match will be.

            Looks like the Algorithim has included a photo of its favorite Dream player, forward Angel Mccoughtry! The Algotrithm has been a huge WNBA fan for years now and I’ve never seen it so excited about a playoff matchup. Anyway, Earl’s mischievous, frying-pan wielding, catchphrase-spouting son Baby Sinclair will be locking proverbial horns with Baby Bop’s Vincent Chase, a purple dinosaur who thinks it’s a super-dee-duper idea to kick some butt, Barney!

            Let’s fire up the old Algorithm here and see just who will claim victory. “Mouse Trap” has been replaced by “Don’t Wake Daddy” and I’ve just woken him! Run!

            Baby wins! It would appear that playing the odds was smart this week as both favorites won big. Somewhere Earl and Baby’s longtime friend, collaborator and father-figure, Michael Jacobs, is smiling.

            How about we take a look at the latest bracket as we near the conclusion of the first round of tournament action!

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            Onward and upward to the ‘Jurassic Park’ Clip of the Week!

            Let’s end this mess with a new Beard of the Day!

Leave it to this man to capture the first ever Dinosaur Wednesday Double Crown, taking home 'Jurassic Park' Clip of the Week and Beard of the Day! Could it be any other? The "Sam Jackson!"

            Thanks for reading and, as always, vaya con dios!    

Image Credits: Jackson, Angel, logo, fireworks, Troodon bw, Troodon

It’s finally here! Ask-A-Dinosaur, starring our very own Dinosaur Wednesday drummer Norman! Each week Norman will answers your questions or offer you advice about life, love, dinosaurs and everything in between. Submit your questions to Norman in the comment section and he will respond each Tuesday. So let’s do it.

            Geraldines and Flips, here it is, the premiere of Ask-A-Dinosaur! 

            What an insightful and informative day! It’s a good thing that we gave up on all that entertainment stuff. Best to just stick to the facts, I always say. Ok, well remember to submit your questions for Norman in the comment section if the mood strikes you. On to the Beard of the Day! 

You love him on the small screen in "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," now get ready to fall in love with him on the big screen in "Going the Distance." Sonnys and Chers, the "Charlie Day!"

            That’s all for today! Thanks for your patience and vaya con dios!

Image Credits: Charlie